Chewing the Cud

When I was twelve years old, I went on my first big trip overseas with about twenty other kids from my intermediate. We spent roughly three and a half weeks in Tacoma on a school exchange, and then went to Los Angeles for fun and games. It was all very strange and wonderful and will always be an experience I am so glad my parents worked for me to have, but there were a few odd things I noticed about the States while I was there. And one of them was chewing gum.

I've never been a chewer of gum. Which is odd, because one reason I can eat a lot of food in one sitting is because I don't suck sweets or lick ice-creams or whatever. I just chomp my way through them. (Probably one reason why I never really took to humbugs, actually; they're far too hard to do that with. My flatmates in Sheffield couldn't understand why I'd bought a huge jar of them when we went to Scarborough for a daytrip to the seaside, because I was never seen to eat them. Partially it was because they just reminded me of my English nana, but it was also because I simply couldn't eat them without breaking my teeth!) But while I was in the States at the age of twelve, I was constantly offered gum. I rarely took it. But now...there are probably six packets of gum on my desk. At least. Two of them are open -- I have two flavours on the go -- but...it's a bit odd. I can have up to five pieces a day, and I find them great after meals or inbetween to just...have something to do with my mouth, now that I'm not filling it full of crap at every given opportunity. Go figure.

I'm in a surprisingly upbeat mood today, although I keep thinking I haven't lost any weight this week. Tomorrow will tell, I suppose. But speaking of trips, I think I'm showing my privilege by having realised yesterday that I am just not happy unless I have an overseas trip in the pipeline. It's not that I travelled much as a kid -- as I said, my first real overseas trip (not counting the fact I lived in Queensland for about a year when I was an infant) was at the age of twelve, and then I didn't go overseas again until I went to Melbourne for a university trip at twenty-one. But then, after graduating, I started averaging maybe two trips a year? At least. Living in the UK skews it incredibly. But I've been unsure of my plans for next year because of both this diet and my parents' having moved to Australia and leaving the house in the care of me and my brother, so...I decided to take the week of my birthday off. And I figure I might take that and go to Western Australia to see my parents. It's related to the diet, mind you, in that this is early/mid February I'm talking here and surely by then I should be approaching Bikini Babe status. Not that I ever expect to actually be a babe, but...Australian heat and a town where no-one has a fucking clue who I am or where I'm from? Holy shit, that's probably the best time EVER to wear a bikini for the first time in my life.

In the meantime, I did the happy dance in a supermarket today because I found turkey breast. Finally! It's not a common meat in New Zealand outside of Christmas time, so...a change from chicken! I also felt pleased because I was wearing my size sixteen jeans and my ZOMBIE: EAT FLESH t-shirt, which was always a little too tight before but is now definitely loose. It was also appropriate, it being Halloween tomorrow. It tends to cause people to double-take, too, but for once I was happy to have people looking at me. I caught sight of myself a few times in shop windows, and...yeah. I'm changing. It's incredible.

I must stop spending money, mind you. I bought some DKNY Be Delicious perfume, because it's bright and summery and so New York. It's also rather expensive. But...I want to spend money being pretty. This is progress. So...I might allow it. Just a bit longer, anyway. <3

End Week Four

...well, that's the end of the first month on the programme. I weighed in this morning and recorded a loss of 1.2kg, bringing my current weight to 75.2kg. It's very slightly irritating in that I was really hoping to get under seventy-five before the end of this week as that would take me out of the "obese" category on my Wii, but the fact that I got that much...is fantastic.

Overall, I just need to be more positive. The end of the second week was completely insane for me, as this programme generally has people losing an average of eight to ten kilograms their first month, and I've not quite managed five. I think I need to remember that I actually lost four or five kilograms before I even started, and my body's been doing some odd things because of it. I'm not sure what I was at my heaviest, but my Wii records it as just under eighty-six kilograms, so this? Is amazing. I need to really realise that, I think, but between the responses I've had on this blog and at the local forums, it's becoming so much easier to just calm down and run with it.

Yesterday, being Saturday, was my shopping day -- and already I am beginning to enjoy it a lot more than I ever have. It's also a stat holiday weekend, meaning: sales! I got vouchers from three of the four places I hit up with my credit card, and am particularly looking forward to spending my $50 Max voucher when I drop another size. But I was at Max for more workclothes; I got a kimono-styled blouse, a groovy skirt, and another pair of tights as the ones I bought last week already are too big. Awesome. I've also officially dropped a size in my favourite jeans; I bought the old pair before Mexico and they fit perfectly. Now I have a size down and they fit perfectly. I have the feeling I'm going to buy a pair every time I drop. It's kind of wasteful, I guess, but it's a strange little way of reminding myself of how far I've come.

I also bought myself a tangible reminder. I wanted a ring, but I bought a butterfly pendant instead. I rarely buy jewellery for myself, at least not expensive jewellery, because I don't think I'm worth it. Well, here I am, thinking I'm worth it. I chose it because it's beautiful, but also because I am tired of the cocoon of fat I've been living in all these years. It's time to grow my wings. It's time to get out. It's time to fly. And like the touchstone of my emerging collarbones, I now have a little butterfly at the base of my throat to remind me of what I am doing, and why. It's for me. Nothing more, and certainly never ever nothing less.

Lucky Charms

I seem to have developed something of a touchstone, or a lucky charm when it comes to my weightloss. As anyone who has lost weight can tell you, as the kilograms start to come off you start discovering things about your body that you'd forgotten or else simply never noticed before. When I first moved to England a few years back, I lost a few kilograms through stress and depression (I have no idea even now how much; I gained it all back, but that was back in the days when I was in complete denial about my weight problem anyway). During that time I found my hipbones again. Just...yeah. This time around my hipbones haven't really made an appearance yet -- though they are coming -- but I have been distracted by my emerging collar bones.

They're certainly not prominent. I doubt anyone can see them but me. But...I keep finding that during the day, I will rub the tips of the three fingers of my left hand over my right collarbone. I'm not sure why. It's not like it's really obvious or anything. But it just...feels different. More real. Less hazy. It really is like a touchstone, something to remind myself that yes the weight is coming off, that no it isn't my imagination. Because I often look in the mirror in the morning and think "You haven't lost anything at all, you liar." Even though my clothes say otherwise. So...yes. It's an odd little feeling, but not an unpleasant one. It's like the return journey of an old friend, who is sending letters on a regular basis to say "Here I am! I am coming! I will be with you again soon!"

...yeah, so, I'm cracking up on this diet. How are you? <g>

Rewards

It's been a bit of an odd day -- I didn't have to go to work as I had chosen to stay home for my oral Japanese exam. In theory I could have gone to work and ducked out for a couple of hours, or stayed home until it was over at three and gone in for a couple of hours, but work has stressed me out so much recently that I decided there was no point in doing it half-arsed. So, I stayed home and studied and then I did my test; I then went for a trip to the supermarket where I bought more asparagus -- which I actually intend to eat this time -- and then my mother and I went to see that stupid Eat Pray Love movie.

Two things about this whole scenario were a bit of a test, really. First of all, the exam: generally while I am doing exams, my already terrible eating habits will get invariably worse. Particularly this last year, because even while just studying on the weekends I would buy a bag of barbeque chips and eat the whole damn thing. Also, my Lift Plus consumption was at least a bottle a day. By some reserves of willpower I didn't even know I had I touched neither of these things during my long weekend of cramming, but it was actually worse when I went to the supermarket afterward. I'm of course accustomed to "rewarding" myself with food, though how I ever considered it a reward when I often had chocolate, chips, Lift Plus or whatever every day anyway, I'm not sure. I haven't really thought too much about how I am going to work these things back into my life afterwards, because...I will never avoid them completely. That's just unnecessary. But associating them with "rewards" seems a little dodgy, because the second I am down or depressed or upset I "reward" myself with food because I "deserve" it and want to feel better. But it never ever works. So...yeah. Walked out of that supermarket with nothing I shouldn't have.

The movie kind of sucked too because of the long lingering shots of pasta in Italy, though fortunately I am neither a fan of pasta nor Italy. And she hardly ate any gelato, which is fortunate because during my one weekend in Milan my sister and I lived on gelato. I'd say I'd love to try some of that Napoli pizza, but that would involve going to Naples. Ha ha ha. But even though I've never been a huge fan of popcorn at the movies, for some reason the last couple of times I'd had it (most memorably with my nephew, who divided our box into "his" and "mine" and then when he was sure I understood the concept promptly stuck his hand into MY side...four year olds, sheesh). Usually I'd just eat m&ms or something. Which my mother then bought. Fortunately I never really noticed her eating them, though the damn icecream she ate through the credits was distracting. It was probably worse on the way home, though, because she decided to get McDonald's for herself and my brother. She asked me if I wanted some. "No." "Oh, once won't hurt!"

...yeah. It will. It messes up the biochemistry I've got going for starters, but even then that's not really it. It's more...I have so very little willpower. And even though I sat there with their damned McDonald's in my lap the whole way home I knew I didn't really want to eat it. That's probably never really been the problem. The problem is that I am a lazy cow. I don't like to cook, I don't like to clean, I don't like to take some damned responsibility for what does and doesn't go into my body. So, taking the easy road, even for a detour? Will not be a detour. It'll be a derailment. I'm not strong. I'm not focused. I'm just fucking terrified.

Otherwise, the last few days I've made the discovery that I really don't much care for feta cheese, and that maybe I should have my "pizza" once a week or so. It's basically just tomato and mushroom and green pepper and courgette and garlic all stir-fried together with some Italian herbs and dumped on a Salada before having mozzarella cheese melted all over it. I'm not actually a cheese fan so I can't eat it often -- the cheese being my protein is just too much cheese for me -- but as something different, it was lovely. Definitely will do again. Sometime this week I also want to give the mango smoothie and the ricotta coffee "cheesecake" a go, too, but...I'm not the adventurous sort, food-wise. That's probably the real reason I've managed to stick at this for so long. But...yeah. Into week four, now, and that's so much further than I ever thought I'd come.

End Week Three

So, finally I get around to returning to the blog. It's been a rough week all around, and not just because I was feeling down about the diet. There's just a lot of stuff going on at the moment, between work, family and exams, so...the temptation to stray is strong, though fortunately I haven't. I did go against what I had said earlier last week, where I wasn't going to weigh again until the end of week four, which is a week from now. I weighed today just because I had to know. My weight was about 76.4kg, which is a decrease of 800g. It doesn't feel like a lot, but my waist went from 85-86cm of last week to a very definite 83cm this week, so that is a victory. I've also discovered most of my workclothes are becoming unsuitable, in that they are too loose and therefore I can't wear them. So...yes. Progress, even if it's not as fast as I would like.

I do wonder if I am doing anything wrong on this diet, as most people continue losing large amounts of weight in the first few weeks. Not everyone, mind you, but then I suspect a lot of it is because they've got forty or fifty kg to lose, and I've only got thirty. So, I don't know. I'd like to average at least a kilogram a week, but I suppose we'll just have to wait and see. I can almost hope it's my cycle throwing things out here because my abdomen is aching in a horribly familiar way, ha ha ha. I don't know. But either way, it's going to be a long week and I should go do something about it.

All in all, not a good day.

Basically, I've been holding out for today. After my freakout on Tuesday I sternly told myself that there was to be no more weighing until Sunday, by which point things were more likely to have averaged out and be a more accurate representation of what was going on. So, I did not weigh until this morning. And this morning I got up, weighed, and...nothing. Absolutely nothing. Meaning that after week two, I've gained two hundred grams. And any measurement loss is negliglible, as in about two centimetres and that's probably just because I'm shite at measuring. So...I don't know what to make of this. I really don't. I'm humiliated to admit I was practically in tears last night because there were fish and chips, cakes, pies and bread all over the bench as I tried to make my chicken and salad, and my apple tasted awful, and now...I didn't deviate all week. Despite there being food everywhere for three days out of five, I didn't goddamn deviate. But if this is my reward, it makes me wish I had.

I just haven't got a clue how I am going to get through another week like this. I haven't got willpower. I haven't got stamina. I'm just tired. And sad. So very, very sad.

Temptation

THERE IS SO MUCH CAKE DOWNSTAIRS WHAT THE HELL I DON'T EVEN.

...not that I am eating said cake. I'm in fact hiding in my room. I possibly had a bit more chewing gum than I'm actually allowed, but hell IT'S BETTER THAN CAKE, AMIRITE.

D:

Twist

I thought I better update to say that while things aren't perfect -- although when are they? -- I am in a much better mood today. One of the reasons why is that I did do a little bit of "yoga" on my Wii, and figured out what the categorisation for "overweight" is on their system for me. My first real goal right now is to get out of that damn "obese" region, which means dropping below 75kg. With any luck I will hit that on Sunday, though any continued weightloss is really for the good.

Still, the reason why I was more cheerful is because the trousers I wore today felt ridiculously loose. Like, bordering on the needing new trousers loose. Which has to be a good thing. So...despite my hysterics, it looks like the weight is still dropping the way it should be. I need to relax more, dammit. No more knot-tying.

Second Week Doldrums

Looks like I spoke too soon about the glories of the first week -- this second week, I am struggling like fuck. I can't even quite articulate why. I'm tired, for starters; on the advice of some of the forumites, I'm going to see what we have in the way of B vitamins at work tomorrow and toss them in on top of the multi I've already been taking religiously since the beginning. It's not like it's possible to take too many B vitamins anyway, though naturally if your body doesn't want them it's a waste of money, but...I'm willing to give anything a go right now.

I think this week had been hard because it's Wednesday night, and every day at work so far there's been food scattered around. Monday was a shout, Tuesday was a shout, and today we had some dude from AstraZeneca give us food because that's what drug companies do. They can't give you drugs -- well, not usually -- so they give you food. He didn't even have any pens, so I made him feel bad by declaring I'd use the one I got from the Baxter rep last I saw him. Whoops. But yeah. I don't feel a hunger for these foods, but as I am feeling so tired and down and just so damn scared that despite not deviating I am gaining what little I've lost right back again, I just...want to give up. It's sort of "What's the point, you're a fatty now, you'll be a fatty tomorrow, just accept it and EAT FOOD." And when I came home my mother was snarky about the meat I was carrying in my shopping bags and then...hell, where do I begin? I want to make my dinner because I am hungry, but from one end of the kitchen to the other there's a loaf of bread, half a chicken pie, coconut ice...there was more than that, I'm trying not to think about it. And when I open the cupboards looking for things there's chocolate and chip bags fall out and...it's terrible, in that I almost look forward to my mother leaving for Australia. I am going to miss her and I don't want her to go, but...I can't take much more of this food. At least when it's just me and my brother he can't afford to buy piles of crap, though actually things may get worse as I suspect I'll be expected to buy his groceries as well as my own. And I really don't think my fragile psyche is up to putting that kind of thing in my trolley. I mean, the best feeling I had this evening was going through the checkout with meat, vegetables, and fruit. Oh, and some crackers. Just...yeah.

It's not all bad, despite my wanting to just curl up into a ball and cry. My workmates tend to be very supportive; I was wearing my tunic this morning and they were all "We can see your weightloss already!" And one of the techs is in particular fantastic as she's just come off a harsh regimen for a recent body sculpting competition. She's still eating healthy despite having competed a couple weeks back, and she's a real inspiration. It's just...I don't know. I'm tired. And I really need to go and cook some chicken and weigh some vegetables for lunch tomorrow, as I am stranded at work due to my car having to go back to an auto electrician. Same problem as earlier this year. I'm terrified they still can't fix it. Just...yeah. One more stress I don't need right now.

I did, however, receive in the post a new camera with a timer, so I can start taking pictures of myself. Jesus. I also had confirmation from Blue Banana last night that my new dress is on its way, so...can't give up now. I have to fit that dress in exactly one month's time. I can do it, I know it. I just...have to get out of these doldrums. I'm waiting for my second wind. Surely, it must be turning soon...

The Dangers of Obsession

I think I've just realised why I was planning on weighing weekly at most, monthly if I could stand it -- because this evening I started feeling F-A-T in my jeans, because they didn't feel "loose" like they did yesterday. So in a panic I weighed myself on the Wii board and got a two hundred gram increase. CUE THE FREAKOUT. And it's all a bit...um, yeah. Stop it. Stop it now. I'm in the second week doldrums where it looks like FOREVER until I can go back to a more normal eating regimen, and psyching myself out like this? Is totally indulging in my penchant for self-fulfilling prophecy and self-sabotage.

So? No more weighing, no more measuring until Sunday morning when it's due. Then if there's a problem, then I'll sort it. For now...head down, bum up, and stop jumping at shadows. Christ.

End Week One

So, here is my moment of truth -- I woke up a little late this morning and in the interests of not having to have lunch and dinner late too, I skipped the mozarella experiment and decided to have yoghurt as usual. However, first I needed to talk to my Wii board. Rather hysterically, the first thing it said to me was "Have you been leaning me against the wall? That's not good for my circuitry!" God, even when I'm being good the damn thing beats me to the punch and finds something to whine about, ffs.

At any rate, I got on the board and wanted to close my eyes. But...there it was. 77kg. I lost three kilograms! <is still goggling> I mean, I knew I had lost, because I can feel it. My clothes are shifting in the way they fit me, and despite another bout of dizziness about an hour ago -- unlikely to be food related, as I'd just eaten chicken, vegetables and two kiwifruit -- I am feeling pretty much okay. I also did some measurements, and although they're somewhat off because I did the first lot on Wednesday, they make me happy. The only two that didn't change much are my upper arms (not the end of the world) and my bust (thank Christ). The most impressive was my waist, which went down from 89.5cm to 85cm. I think that says a lot about my water retention when I'm gorging on my beloved carbs, that's for damn sure. Overall, I lost 11.5cm and 3kg. So...well. I certainly can't complain, can I? Not that I want to. Although today there's been a loaf of fresh bread on the sideboard all bloody day and...it looked so tasty, goddammit. Didn't touch it, of course, but...even once I'm on the other side of the programme I can't just hack into things like that willy-nilly. It's a little depressing.

Still, this is how I am, and in the next day or so I'm going to purchase this dress from Blue Banana in the UK. It's going to be size fourteen, and I hover between eighteen and sixteen now. I am hoping to fit into it by the time of our staff do on the sixth of November. Although I know I am going to break the diet somewhat there, I am hoping that I'll do it just by having a chicken salad that I haven't weighed and cooked myself. That's not a complete wagon fall. And if I am sitting there, snug in my new gothic princess dress, I think that should be incentive enough to ignore the wine, the tequila and the chocolate pudding. <3 Thinking ahead, that's me!

I Need Some Sleep

 
I hadn't ever actually intended to make this a daily diary, but I really did feel the need to confide a wee bit in the blog today...and I suppose that's what it's here for. It's just that today I've been feeling a bit down. I've had the impression from the forums that most people in the first week have felt lousy the first three or four days and then they kind of slide into the Zone; I seem to be having something of a backward experience, in that I was largely better during the week than I have been today. Dammit.

I think some of it can be explained by the fact it's a Saturday and I haven't got work to distract me from wanting to eat -- I did do most of my binge eating while reading on the weekends, after all. In fact, I bought a new book this morning and while I was reading this afternoon the need for something to chew on was overwhelming. I should have tried some gum, come to think of it, but in the end I just went back to trying to write (I can't eat when I'm typing!). It's also because I'm in serious denial about how behind I am in Japanese, and am actively avoiding studying. I now have to do all that tomorrow, which means I can't really do any advance cooking for the week like I'd planned. I was just so tired today, although like anything that's just an excuse.

I think I'm both looking forward to and terrified of tomorrow morning. There's the mozarella cracker experiment, for starters, but it's also the first weigh-in I've allowed myself. We're supposed to weigh monthly, but I gather from the board people often weigh themselves when they know they need to. I myself know I'm not a daily weigher, but every week is probably what I need because I seriously need motivation. I haven't lost it, exactly, but I am just tired. And when I am tired, I am grumpy. But I'm so scared of getting on that Wii board tomorrow and having it tell me I've gained -- this is basically what happened every time I tried to do an exercise regimen. I seriously doubt it will happen tomorrow, but if it does...it's going to give my confidence a serious hit.

...so...stayed tuned?

On the positive side, I finally found some courgettes -- yay, a new vege for my stir-fry experiments! -- and I am rediscovering the delights of cooking with fresh herbs. The only other time I've done that is when I did a ten day detox in 2005, which...didn't go fantastically, actually. I think I started it on a Saturday and it basically fell to pieces the following Saturday when I just couldn't bear life without chocolate any longer. I tried to get carob, but all the carob at the supermarket had marshmallow and candy sticks and...you can see where this is going. My experience between that and this, mind you, has been very different. I remember being ravenous the entire time I was on the detox, and cooking took so bloody long. This diet...it's a lot simpler. Just far more restrictive. Yet here I am on Day Seven and I haven't fallen off the wagon yet, despite having been offered all sorts of disallowed foods over that time. I was somewhat concerned this morning in that while walking down the street I was struck with a massive bout of dizziness, but as I'm prone to vertigo anyway it may have nothing to do with the diet. Otherwise...yeah. I also went shopping at the local recently-opened fruit and veg store and finally found some bok choy and got a bag of Braeburn apples for a dollar fifty. I felt like such a little farmgirl. ...which is really for the best, because even after this is done, I'm going to have to keep eating all this fruit. C'est la vie, I guess...!

The Taste Of Thin

 
While I've had more than one challenge so far this week, tonight was by far the greatest -- I went to a restaurant. I'm not even one week in! Fortunately, it was just for coffee and dessert as one of my workmates is finishing next Thursday. I just ordered a pot of Earl Grey and happily sipped away while the dozen people around me ate delicious desserts. Again, I felt that tug...but not a hunger tug. More that emotional "I wouldn't mind some of that..." thing. Yet my body was not really interested. There was no craving, just a vague sense of wanting to have what a week ago could have been mine. So, that's all for the win.

I am really pleased with that lack of craving, though with that said I've spent the week having to move stuff around. It's a bit stink to come home from a bad day at work and find the remnants of fish and chips on the bench. While I certainly don't begrudge people eating what they want, it's a bit hard to have the stuff lying around when you're cooking. I don't particularly want to eat it, but as a habitual grazer...I've found myself idly reaching for things. It's just something to do, nine times out of ten, but still. It's a bit of a pain.

I feel a bit bad, actually, admitting that I have quietly adopted that mantra at the back of my mind -- "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels!" I know pro-ana groups have latched onto it, certainly, but I'm not applying it to all foods. Just the foods that got me into this situation in the first place. So, we're on a break right now. And thankfully so far even when we pass each other out there in the real world, we can make eye-contact...but I don't have to rush over and beg forgiveness and plead: "Can't we please start over?" No, right now I'm strolling down the parkway with the taste of thin at my side, and...we're getting acquainted. Maybe by Sunday morning we'll even be hand in hand. We'll see....we'll see.