Wednesday, December 8, 2010
I've been having the odd experience the last few days of feeling on display. I think I mentioned in my last entry that I've already had people start to talk to me about the mythical END OF THE DIET phase, and...well, it's really strange to me. Probably it's because I still feel like a heifer, not to mention I am not even halfway through the actual weight to be lost. But then my view of my body is skewered anyway; after years of looking in the mirror and telling myself "You're not THAT fat!" I have turned around and started thinking "You haven't lost that much weight!" It's even got to the point where I can half-convince myself that wearing size 12 jeans doesn't matter, that I'd have fit into them before if only I'd tried (bearing in mind I wore size eighteen jeans in September, yes?). So...yeah. I'm not a good judge of these things, that much is obvious.
So, it would logically follow that I should be relying more on others for that information. But...I don't know who to believe. I actually had a meltdown back in September when I received my diet plan, as the projected final weight range was 49-52kg. Even now, I don't like it -- I don't want to be that little. The mid to high fifties would do me just fine. But already I have had people telling me that the sixties are fine, that I shouldn't get too skinny, and I keep thinking that...well, I'm technically overweight until I'm about 63kg. And I don't have anything particularly odd in my make-up, and having 35% bodyfat is not a good thing. I have a long way to go yet. But my sister has already informed me that I'll catch shit at Christmas from the extended family for my weight loss (she got something similar, though to be honest she's never been fat anyway). I just...I don't know. I'm already so confused about what I should look like and what I should weigh, so it gets to the point where I don't really want to discuss it with people. Because there's nothing worse than being unsure about something and then having your resolve undermined by well-meaning advice.
That's not to say I don't want to talk about this in general, because I wouldn't keep the blog if I didn't, but...yeah. This week, I'm just so confused, about a lot of things. I suppose I just have to keep on going and see how things pan out. I just remember one of my workmates saying to me that one of the customers had said to him "Wow, she got skinny!" So...it really is becoming noticeable, even to people who only see me in passing. And I'm not even halfway there. It's kind of scary, being that I've always tried to fly below the radar. This...is going to take some getting used to.