Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want

I'm having a really odd evening of it. Because I was exhausted at work again -- due to both stress and a second period in a month, I think -- I ended up eating a chocolate bar. I then went to an appointment from work and ate dinner on the way, and then came home and ate my apple and crackers. I then ate a handful of marshmallows and four Gingernuts. It's...I don't know. It's crazy. But then the odder thing was that this was about nine o'clock, and I had started watching Sherlock. I was enjoying it, but I flicked the DVD off and went roaming in the front yard. I then ended up collecting my iPod and going for a walk around the block. I live in a rural area, so a walk around the block for me? Takes about an hour. Er.

But yeah, the whole experience was...rather odd. It's not entirely that I thought the walk would help with the empty calories, though certainly it was a way of working through at least some of them. I'm also exhausted, actually, which will help me sleep tonight. But it's more that exercise is a distraction, for me. I don't think a lot when I go walking -- or at least, I think differently when I do. More freeform, more automatic. It's like the difference between technical drawing and Impressionism, I suppose? But I needed the escape, and in some ways I think it came from the appointment.

I went to a beauty therapy place and had my eyelashes tinted, my eyebrows shaped, and my nails manicured. I have never done anything like that before. And doing it...seems to have scared me stupid. Which is patently ridiculous, but the fact is that I ate before I went, and I ate after I went, and...it has to be linked. Honestly, it does. I can't seem to deal with making myself more attractive. I mean, I did it when I was properly overweight, but I think then I knew that I was still considered unattractive and beneath notice no matter what I did. Now...people might actually look twice. And that, apparently, scares me to death.

I really need to work out if I'm supposed to call this therapist, or if she's supposed to call me. The diet's a bit shot all to hell right now, and I haven't even gone on holiday yet. But I suppose if I muddle along mostly within the limits, I can keep to a holding pattern...and then as I work through this, I can get back into really seeing this through. Because right now? To be honest, even if I pushed to the end, I don't think it would succeed. There's something not quite right here, and I really need to work through it before I can say I made it to the end. Hmm.

Romance of the Dancing Girls

So, things go onward -- so far this week I've pretty much stuck to my guns, though yesterday I had extra Diet Coke and chewing gum because I have a massive hole in my stomach. I am really not sure what that is all about, but I am constantly hungry right now. I suspect it may be to do with my period, but with that said and done...my period is really out of whack right now. Probably that's a bit TMI, but I only had it two weeks ago and here it is again. Thank god for Primolut, is all I can say; if it returns in another two weeks time when I am in Australia, I am suppressing the hell out of the damn thing. I mean, it would ruin my holiday, dammit.

But yeah...this post's not really about that, nor even about the fact that I am really happy with my dinners at the moment. I started out on this diet thinking that food was really going to suck, but these days I look forward to teatime because I have several awesome meals I just adore getting to eat. At the moment the top five are my garlic and cracked pepper venison grilled medallions, my chili/garlic/paprika/basalmnic vinegar prawns, my "pizza" with asparagus on the side, my asparagus rolled in schnitzel rolled in garlic and cracked pepper, and my pretend "tacos." These are all things I could happily keep on eating even once I am done here, and I likely will. Just in larger amounts, obviously. But again, that's not the point of the entry -- it's more about romance.

Last night I ducked out about nine to meet a guy in a bar. This...is really unusual for me. I've never dated. I've never even had a proper boyfriend -- I mean, I had one for about a week before I dumped him in a blind panic and didn't speak to him for six months. (And although we've been on vague terms since then, a couple months ago I heard the song I'm Going To Stop Pretending That I Didn't Break Your Heart for the first time and cried for what I did to him. Because honestly, I didn't know, not then...because I didn't think I was worth it.) I think when I was in high school my parents appreciated this, as for some reason my mother was convinced I was going to get pregnant to the first guy who looked at me. I never really had the heart to tell her that guys? Didn't look at me. I was a non-entity in so many respects in high school. Honestly, people generally had no idea who I was. I suppose I was lucky in that I never got beaten up or teased or bullied, but the indifference goes both ways; no-one save my circle of friends gave a damn about me. And so, while my friends dated and loved and lost...I stayed an eternal child. I wasn't worth anything to anybody, not as a romantic being. And after my first run-in with romance at university, I gave up on it. All of it. And though there's been vague forays into sex and romance since, the fact that I realised I was nothing more than a nameless faceless convenient body meant that I had no heart for it. And so, I gave up.

But I've been messing around on an internet dating site for a year or so because my mother insisted I sign up. I'd never had the guts to meet anyone from it before now, because I knew that they'd take one look at me and say OH MY GOD SHE'S FAT and be gone like the wind. These days, that isn't going to happen. But now I have the deep-seated fear of rejection on the sole basis of my personality. And that's...a scary concept, and says a lot about my body image crisis of the moment. I mean, I've been attracted to guys before, obviously -- but only ever those out of my league. People who could do better than me. And putting myself out there...I don't know. The first guy I met, it was before Christmas; he's not spoken to me since, really, though it didn't entirely bother me because I wasn't attracted to him anyway. The guy last night...was a perfectly decent bloke, but I had the feeling I was out of his league. But then I had the depressing thought that that? Is likely the best I can do.

Still, I don't settle. I just deny myself.

So, I don't know. I went to the doctor yesterday to beg for some sleeping tablets as work is so bad for my sleeping habits right now -- I have panic!insomnia, in that I can get to sleep but I wake up in fits of panic several times during the night -- but I also signed up again for some cognitive therapy. It failed last time, but...I need to do something. Because right now I am faltering on this diet path, and it's because even though I want it, I'm scared of what will happen because of it. Which is really no state to be in, if I want to get to the end and really reap the benefits of my hard work.

End Week Seventeen

So, I haven't got a weight update today -- I decided to stick to my original thought, and let it go for this week. It's not going to tell me anything useful, after all, so...yeah. But now I'm cross with myself because I was doing really well today and what did I just do but eat a little marshmallow covered in melted chocolate. I spent all day messing around with baking and saying NO, and then at the end...ah, well. The week begins anew? I'm thinking I've fallen into a kind of maintenance mindset, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, save from the point of view that it's prolonging my misery -- but I am largely eating properly, just having little treats now and then. Although that really needs to stop now, so...here we go again?

I didn't weigh today, as I said, but there is something to cling to -- I actually slept properly last night and I believe that helped somewhat, as when I woke up and got dressed, I noticed how much flatter my stomach looked this morning. Water retention, I suppose, but it actually gave me a fright. In a nice way, of course. But that was interesting. I decided to go cheer myself up some more in general by buying underwear and a new nightie at Farmers, and I ended up at Kathmandu again. There's a travelling dress there I'd seen just after Christmas, and it was still on special; I got cross, though, because they had no size tens in either colour. The shop assistant said she could get some from Queenstown, but asked me to try the dress on either side to check the fit. And...I came home today with my first size eight. It's not quite right, but it does fit. And that...well. I need to cling to that whenever I want to deviate this week. I can fit a size eight when seventeen weeks ago I was a size eighteen. So...yes.

I don't really like posting photographs in this blog. But today? I think I need to. Just...to remind myself of what I am doing, and why I am doing it. So, first of all, I'll have a picture of me...god, I think it's in April of last year? I'm not actually sure. But I bought a dress from Blue Banana for the first time; it was a rockabilly polka-dot thing with a full rara. I adored it. I still do. It doesn't fit. But...this is a picture of it at the time, obviously with me in it:

I'm not actually sure what size the dress is -- probably a sixteen or thereabouts. But yeah. This picture made me want to cry, for all I adored the damn dress. But in September I started all this, and now...this is me in the size eight dress I bought this morning:

So...yes. I need to refocus again and just...keep on, keeping on. I know I can get back on the wagon, because I've done it before. Although this wagon-jumping hasn't been planned, which is really the issue. I feel so out of control. But the dress...it reminds me of why I need to take that control. Oh, and for a laugh, I suppose we might as well have the Lara Croft shot, too:

I adore Lara Croft for so many reasons. I'm not going to list them here, that's silly, but suffice it to say a couple of years ago I started playing Tomb Raider: Anniversary on a whim and suddenly became fascinated by Lara. This is relevant just because last night I started flicking through a picture folder of Tomb Raider stuff I saved months ago and haven't looked at since, and...it was really odd. Because when I made the folder, I remember looking at Lara and wishing I could look even a little like that. And now...here I am. I'm no Lara Croft, certainly, but I'm not the sad fat little drab I was. I'm a confused as hell skinnier-than-I-was little drab, but...I want to work this through. I do.

I just wish the roof hadn't fallen in on the stadium, I rather want to take up rock climbing. ^_~

Do Over

...so, the last week? Has been something of a write-off, as far as the diet goes. That's not to say I've gone nuts, but I really haven't been adhering to the rules. I had two pieces of cake on Sunday night, another on Monday, popcorn last night and two peculiar meringue-ish chocolate chip and cherry cookies this morning. The concern isn't so much what I've eaten, but how sustained the lapse has been. I need to stop. I need to take control. And that's...not something I was actually sure I wanted to do. Well, until this afternoon.

I'm in a weird headspace right now. Work stress is part of it, but it's also a convenient scapegoat; the problem goes a little bit deeper. But there is a problem at work, because I am working long hours in a job where I need to be mentally alert the entire time, and the fact that I am also not sleeping properly? Means that I am exhausted all the time and I would be even if I wasn't on a low calorie diet. So, to that end, some slips are probably not unexpected -- though with that said, I could try and supplement my blood sugars with crackers and extra fruit, not sugar-laden bakery goods. So, there's that. And the popcorn was just me being tired with everything; I went to the movies last night and loved it, but I was even later than usual getting out of work and had to rush through dinner to get to the movies on time, so I didn't enjoy it, and then the smell of the popcorn...well, there's a trigger right there for me to be aware of, I suppose. I need to feel like I'm enjoying my food to really get over the meal. Huh.

Still. The cookie thing was a bit stupid; it happened firstly because I made these unusual cookies and when I checked on them this morning (they cook overnight in a turned-off oven), they looked...not right. In a panic I started playing with one, and of course it ended up in my mouth because it was the only way to know. And the damn thing was delicious. It could have ended there, but at work I was so down about everything I had another. Fortunately I called it quits after that, but...I don't know. The good thing, mind you, is that I came home with the desire to make a batch of afghans and devour them all, but that hasn't happened. I've instead enjoyed a lunch of cracked pepper and lemon tuna and then my favourite "pizza" for dinner, so...yeah.

It's a beautiful day here, and I started thinking around four that I could go for a walk. I've actually tried to go walking before while on this diet, but I've been so lacking in energy I've actually been unable to. I then realised I'm chock full of empty calories today, so I got a hat and my iPod and set out into the wilderness. Although I know full well an hour walk isn't going to burn off two cookies, it did do me some good -- it got me out long enough to really think about what's going on. I haven't been thinking much lately, after all; there are too many things going around my head to really think properly about any of them. There's work, of course. My holiday, which is under vague threat because of said work situation. My elder brother and his New Year drama still hasn't been resolved, and it impacts on my living situation. My younger brother is still making drama in his own family life. For some reason I keep flirting with men on a local dating site which both thrills and terrifies me. I can't decide whether or not to do Japanese this semester through the university. I have writing to do that's...not getting done. And I need to start making solid decisions about moving to London, as my sister just offered up a room in her flat from June, so...yeah. I'm overwhelmed, and the diet seems to be the first thing to go.

I think it's also because I am scared. Quite what I am scared of, I don't know. But I look at photographs of myself and...don't recognise that girl. Or that woman. I mean, I'm a size ten these days; the last time I clearly remember being anywhere near this was being a size eight at twelve. And because I've been a fatty since I was fourteen, I've never been pretty. I've always been shy. So...having people take notice of my appearance makes me incredibly self-conscious and over-anxious even though it's not a bad thing anymore. They like how I look! And yet I am still scared. But then I'm not; for god's sake, I dared other people to dare me to buy a Lara Croft costume, and not only did I buy it? I tried it on AND posted a picture of that to facebook. I just...I still see myself as fat. But then, I'm not. But then I am, because my BMI is still in the overweight range. So...that seems to be my stumbling block right now. I can't seem to control myself long enough to get under 62kg. It's a scary place for me to be, and it seems to be because that's where I am "normal." And I haven't been normal in a long, long time.

So...yeah. I've spent all week in a haze, and though I've been following the diet otherwise I keep having these sweet things and sabotaging myself. I have to stop, because as I walked around this afternoon I realised that I'm not at the end yet. I have more work to do. And I do still want to do it. I just...yeah. I don't know. So many things, going around in my head. And I am not going to be following the diet in two weeks time because of my holiday, which could be both very good and very bad, depending on how I treat it. But I have learned that I do crave good food -- the sweet things are one problem, sure, but I don't want to run out the door and eat takeaways. I want gourmet food. I want a good meal at a restaurant, not a paper bag stuffed full of McDonald's. And really, in the end? I can behave better in a decent restaurant anyway, when it comes to food choices. So...yeah. But that costume? It fits. But it told me that there's more work to be done, and I think maybe I am ready to get working again.

In the meantime, I need to go and get some sleep. As I said, I haven't been sleeping anyway, and for once I don't have work in the morning. The walk also exhausted me anyway, so...I might read a bit, then have a long hot shower, and then tuck myself up in bed. I'm not weighing myself tomorrow. I know from looking in the mirror that I haven't undone sixteen weeks of work, and the scales are just going to demoralise and undermine what I need to teach my eyes to see. It's not a time for numbers right now. It's a time for faith. And here I am, renewing that faith. I have got this far. Now I need to get up off my knees, dust off the dirt of my stumble, and walk ever onward.

Here we go.

Underneath Your Clothes

The diet is continuing on a strange path; I haven't been off the wagon since the Cake Days, but I've been so tired of everything lately that it's been a bit of a stretch. Weirdly, though, I am recognising it as an emotional thing, not a physical thing; I'm never hungry, as such. I just want something different. So...I don't know. I'm not sleeping enough, though, which is probably not helping anything in the slightest.

 But...just as a random aside...there's been an odd side-effect of this diet. My underwear. No, honestly -- while I've always had a wistful love of fancy lingerie, I've never owned nice underwear before. Mostly because I was always too fat to buy anything truly pretty, and it's not like anyone would ever have seen it anyway. Now, though...I'm developing this truly odd need to buy pretty matching underwear sets and wear them. No-one sees them but me. But I love it.

Really, it's truly very strange.

The Big Picture

I'm really struggling so far this week -- and it's Monday night. It can't bode well. I still don't really know how to express what's going around in my head, but I just wanted to try and push some of it out in the hope that something might start to make sense. But I'm not sure.

So, last night I went to my meeting, and in the end I had two pieces of cake. I had another tonight. That's the end of the cake, however -- it is all gone now. In a weird way I ate it because I felt like I was allowed to, as I had made the damn thing with the intention of having a piece. I felt sort of entitled to it? Which is odd, considering I made those trifles with the intention of eating them and only allowed it on Christmas Day. But...yeah. I think I'm exploring boundaries here. Because work really is distressing me to no end, and things aren't going to get better until next week. Maybe. I really am just not coping, although the stupid thing about this? Is that I wasn't hungry, or anything, when I ate the cake. I was absolutely fine after dinner. I just wanted the cake. But what's stranger is now that it's eaten? It's not as if I want to go and eat anything else verboten in the house, and there is stuff here that I'm not allowed to eat. But all I wanted was that cake. So, I ate the cake. And it's done. And I don't actually feel guilty about it, either. Just...a little bit sad, in a weird way. Because I really wanted to take control and get through this horrible week at work while keeping to the diet, but...I couldn't do it. Although now the cake is gone, I know that I can.

...I don't know. It's just really, really strange. I can't even begin to explain it. I think it's a function of being really tired; by the time I get home from work and cook dinner and lunch and then eat, I just have...nothing left to me. I watched a little television tonight, but even then I don't really do well with even that. I guess I just need to have a shower soon and go to sleep; I'm considering getting up early tomorrow so I can make my omelette breakfast. I don't know. It's just...I'm so very tired. And even though I don't actually want to pig out or quit my diet, I just...don't have the energy to do it properly right now. Which is a terrible, terrible waste. I have three weeks and then I'm on holiday. It's just...I don't see how I am going to last that long.

So, yeah. I keep trying to look at the big picture, keep trying to remember why and what I am doing this for. But to be perfectly frank? I scare myself. I looked at a picture of me taken the other day and didn't recognise myself. I feel like I'm too skinny already and I'm still a technical fatty. My lower body actually IS still fat, but my upper half...feels too far gone already. And I just don't know what to do. I think I really need to have a long talk with my consultant at the clinic, but the issue is, of course, that I am at work all the time and I would feel uncomfortable having that sort of conversation on the phone there. Really, I need to go up to Queenstown and talk to her in person -- but of course that's not going to happen. So, I'm sort of going around in circles; part of me wants to say enough -- that's enough, now, but if I don't see this through properly it will all reverse on me anyway. I've come too far to stuff it up. But...yeah. I'm not thinking straight anyway. Trying to see the forest but all the trees are in the way.

...yeah. This didn't help. Back to the drawing board, I suppose?

End Week Sixteen

...the picture's probably a bit misleading, as I'm not really troubled right now, but it's been an awkward week. I haven't really lost anything, at least not by the scale. Although even then, it's weird, because my Wii claimed I was 63.9 -- same as last week -- whereas my electronic scale said I was 63.8kg. And last week the latter thought I was about 64.5, or something. So, I don't really know? Thing is, though, my body fat percentage was down on 1% from last week and my clothes all feel looser. Certainly my Lara Croft shorts are actually wearable now, and I am also officially into my size 10 jeans. I haven't done any actual proper measurements today, but the fact is that I feel smaller, and I am also wearing thigh-high socks. Which is incredible. So...I can't really feel bothered about it, which is somewhat peculiar as I only have three weeks to lose four kilograms to reach my goal. Huh.

With that said, it's been a tough week -- my period's been all over the show since I started this diet, and I have the distinct impression that it messed me up a lot this week. I think my hormones are what ruined this week for me anyway, as I had a repeat of the shot concentration/weakness of four weeks ago on Thursday and had to leave work for the afternoon as I was fucking everything up. Because of that I had an extra apple on Friday, and I also deviated slightly on Wednesday night anyway as I went out for dinner; it wasn't major as I had a venison salad that had nothing truly verboten in it, it was just more food than usual. So, between those three things, it's not odd that things haven't seemed to shift. Although as I said, one scale said it DID shift, and to be honest the Wii's batteries are nearly dead, so...I don't know? Weird.

I am having a crisis today anyway, though, as I may be going out for lunch...which is a risk. And I baked a cake this morning for my writers meeting tonight, and the last two times I've had cake at these meetings. I want to tonight, but then I don't want to, and...it's tough. I keep telling myself I am having a break in three weeks, but my mind is so exhausted from the stress of work that it just doesn't accept this as near enough for a "treat." And the promise of the week to come -- eight o'clock starts, six o'clock finishes, a thirteen-hour shift on Thursday and a half-day on Saturday on top of the Monday to Friday 8-6s -- just scrambles my sense good and proper. I'll have to see how I go. It doesn't help that I have stomach pains this morning, too; I don't know if that's the hormones again, or just that I am really over-tired. I'm just trying to keep up my water intake in the meantime, and I'll keep on keeping on.

What doesn't help matters also, I think, is my body image crisis. People have stopped recognising me. No, really; several times at work I've been on the other side of the counter discussing something with a customer and one tech will yell at us "DO YOU NEED A HAND OVER THERE?" and when she looks properly, her eyes widen and she shuts up. She's never said as much, but I gather she thinks I'm another customer. She doesn't recognise me at all when she's not actually looking at me. And at work yesterday one of my workmates was standing right beside me, talking to my other workmate, and then asked where I was. She outright told me she didn't realise it was me, I was so little. So...this should be a good feeling, right? But...it's actually really weird. As I said in earlier entries people are already telling me to stop, and when I took some random I AM A BAKER pictures while making cheesymite scrolls for my workmates before work yesterday morning, I was actually kind of scared by how I looked in them. Now, I'm technically still overweight. But...I have lost more weight from my upper body than the lower; my thighs and ass are still huge. But my face is changing, and...I don't know. I am prettier, in a way, like this, but I still...

Yeah. I need to think about this more before I really try to express it. In the meantime, I should go back to writing make-believe things. More to come, when I actually work out what my poor tired mind is trying to tell me.

End Week Fifteen

So, I got on the scales this morning with a sense of trepidation -- because I have set myself the goal of getting into the "ideal" weight category as specified by my Wii (it's a BMI of less than 25; I think it's about 62.5kg, or slightly less), and I also want to be just in the fifties by the Friday morning before I go to Bunbury for ten days (ever so slightly less than three weeks now), I really have to work hard and stay one hundred percent on my meal plan. Of course, just as work kicks off and becomes a major stressor, what happens? I get my damn period! So, I was expecting things to be a bit depressing this week. But I sucked it up, and hopped on the scale.

So, what's the damage this week? I am 63.9kg on the Wii, which it notes as a decrease of 1.2kg. Success! Despite the curse! ^_~ I was so relieved to see that, as honestly I was very concerned that work stress was going to screw me around. The last couple of weeks I've also been eating slightly differently to normal; I've had my little pizza twice, I've eaten omelettes a few times, and I've also fallen in love with asparagus (!). While in theory this shouldn't make the slightest bit of difference, considering it's all "legal" food, I've noticed some forumites cutting things out of our already limited selection because they make them "gain" or "slow down" their weight loss. I've always thought that ridiculous, because they wouldn't be allowed if they weren't designed specifically to work within the parameters of the programme, but...yeah. I don't know. I am always fueled by paranoia, and some people can be quite paranoid. However, to the best of my knowledge I don't have any dairy intolerances, so regular cheese seems to be completely fine with my continued weight-loss. And I am really enjoying the omelette business! I should have it more often, but it's a lot more work than just getting the yoghurt out of the fridge...and while a languid breakfast prep in fine on a Sunday, for the next two weeks I am working Monday through Saturday and a puffy omelette with cooked mushrooms...just isn't going to happen. As it is, I am going to have to be twice as prepared for everything. I already make my lunch the evening before, but as I won't be able to leave the pharmacy during the day as is my habit, I will have to have everything I need for lunch and snacks at work. I think one of the other pharmacists gets annoyed with me because I always take my breaks and my lunch no matter what, but it's twofold -- one, I learned as a sole-charge pharmacist in Oxfordshire that if I don't take breaks I break, and two? I need to keep my energy and my blood sugar levels even, or I'll start making mistakes. And pharmacists making mistakes can equal dead patients, so screw that. If I am carrying the bag here, I'm doing it on as many of my terms as I can. I have worked so hard for this, and even though the temptation to let the diet slide for this two/three weeks of Work Hell is high, I mean...I have control over this, don't I? And it makes me happy to see the ticker slide down, so...yeah. Eating crap isn't going to change my stress levels. It's going to make them worse, in fact. So...keep calm and carry on? Have a cup of tea and a sit down? Ha.

I also managed to do my measurements this morning -- I've been really slack about them recently, to be perfectly honest. Last time I did them properly was Week Ten? Oops. But I did them today and overall I've had a loss of 60cm. Wow. I particularly love my waist measurement; it's gone from 90cm down to 74cm, so...yes. 29" or thereabouts; not exactly Scarlett O'Hara status, but definitely much more pleasant to contemplate! I also got the fat percentage calculator on my scales to co-operate and it told me I was 31.5% fat; I can't remember when I did the first reading, but it was weeks ago and it came out as 35%, so...most definitely an improvement. It's not normal yet, by any means, but...it's getting there? And that's the important part. I've also been wandering around in my size 10 trousers from Max; they're not entirely fitting properly, but they're not indecent or anything. Just a tiny bit too small for true comfort, though...again, they're getting there. I need to take my size 10 jeans into be altered, but work is going to make that a pain in the ass as I basically am now chained to the place; although I will take my lunch, in theory I can't leave the pharmacy because the locum will need me to be around when the inevitable dramas erupt. Christ. I have to do a post office run tomorrow so I might have to just do it on Tuesday, when hopefully one of the regular pharmacists will be around. But I need to do it soon, otherwise I'll get no wear out of them at all!

In the meantime, I have a cake to go and bake. And not eat. Speaking of food, though, as I said above? I'm being more adventurous with my food still, and so far it's working out fine. I tried to make a crazy kind of substitute sushi last night with asparagus and schnitzel; it didn't roll the way I hoped, but between the garlic and the basalmic vinegar...it tasted fantastic. As I said, asparagus is my new best friend; I also have it blanched with the excess mozarella grilled over the top to make a better side to my mock-pizza, which is one reason why I love the pizza meal so much right now (that, and I worked out a better way to cook the darn thing; not stir-frying the tomato first goes a long way towards improving the flavour, that's for sure!). And tonight I am going to have my beloved substitute taco meal, so...between that, cake-baking, watching an episode of True Blood and doing a bit of writing, I am hoping for a lovely Sunday of calm and cool. Because I need that buffer, going into this week.

Kia kaha, and all that. Or just more tea. Tea is good. Particularly if it's Lord John's. ^_~

Miss January

So, it's been a few days...and a rather strange few days, actually. I went through a real downturn yesterday due to work-related stress; while I didn't deviate or leap screaming off the wagon, how I wanted to. Suffice to say it's a very long story and I am distressed even now because the next two or three weeks are going to be absolutely nightmarish. And stress at work has always been a trigger for me when it comes to emotional eating. I mean, if I was having a bad morning at work before the diet? Lift Plus and a Moro bar. Every time a coconut. It certainly didn't help that I never had breakfast either, but...yeah. I am finally really beginning to feel and see the difference between cravings and actual hunger, so...between that and really recognising the triggers, I suppose I'm learning. Certainly I've decided that in post-diet maintenance land I will have to continue having breakfast and will always need to have sensible snacks on hand. Which isn't to say I can't indulge now and then, but celery and fruit and crackers and carrot sticks, that sort of thing...needs to be the norm. Muffins and slices and chocolate and cake and biscuits...not so much the norm.

Still, today was a funny wee day weight-loss wise; work had calmed down considerably after the bombshell and drama of yesterday, and I was chatting to the retail manager about something else when she and one of the shop girls got to talking about how good I looked. And I got my first real official "I think you need to stop" admonition. It wasn't a lecture or anything like that, it was more observational than that. But they were very surprised to hear that I am still technically overweight, though only by two or three kilograms (!). I am really looking forward to getting to the "normal" status on my Wii, actually. Hopefully I'll be a kilogram closer on Sunday...but it has got me thinking about the end of the diet.

I have set myself the ultimate finish date of the 25th of April -- that's ANZAC Day here, but also ironically it's Easter. (I say "ironic" more in the sense that it kills a stat holiday for us, rather than for the rebirth metaphor!). I think I can have it done by then, even with ten days of relaxed rules while in Bunbury...mostly because I don't think I want to pull the plug at fifty kilograms. I think I'll pull it at 54kg. That's the weight my Wii calculates for my height, and as far as I am concerned that takes me well into the "normal" weight range. I'm also concerned about what I will look like at that weight...because I am actually sitting here right now in size 10 trousers from Max. They're not quite right yet, but they go on easy enough and they're certainly not indecent -- I could wear them out of the house. They're just not quite comfortable yet. But if I go down to fifty...what am I going to be, a size 6? I don't know what that is in US sizings, but it'd be edging close to a zero, I think. I don't want to get anywhere near that. I want to be slim, but I want to be healthy with it, too. So...yes. 54kg is my current aim, but we'll see how I feel after the next five kilograms. I want to lose those before Bunbury, which is four weeks, which is doable as long as I don't let the stress lead me astray...

With that said, I am going to make a cake this weekend. It's more the decorating I'm interested in, mind you; I want to use my pastry roll decorator thing, and I want to raid my lemon tree and my mother's rose bushes and make chocolate leaves. Huh. I really am going mad. I did make those croissants and pains au chocolat; they didn't prove well enough to bake properly, but by GOD I am the Queen of Pastry Layering. I am going to have to try it again, but when I myself can eat them. Not sure when that will be, because for all I want to finish by April's end, I am planning on making more ANZAC biscuits and then Hot Cross Buns and other Easter-ish biscuits and muffins that week. Combined with an egg, it's...a bit of an uh-oh scenario. They'll be lots of lettuce to come after that, I can assure you...

Otherwise, a couple other amusing things...when I was making croissants I took a picture of MYSELF THE BAKER, as I tend to photo-diary my baking escapades on facebook for the amusement of my friends and family. One of these pictures, though...it was of me reading the recipe, and I got the response OMG, YOU ARE TINY! And it's a fair comment, as I myself looked at the picture and kind of went O_o WTF. It's hard to understand how I could look that small and yet still be considered a fatty. I was also asked on another photo how much farther I was going to take this, so...yeah. Definitely considering the end now, although obviously not for a few more weeks yet. Hmm. 


The other funny story came from my workmate. She was dealing with a customer I see now and then, though I was busy and passed them by as I was wandering in and out of the dispensary. My workmate snagged me after she'd left and said: "You know that customer? She asked me to tell you that you've lost so much weight and you're hot! She said we should call you Miss January!" Oh, we had a good laugh at that. I think a lot of this effect, mind you, comes from my current dresses -- because I wear them with a belt, and it's a medium, and I can cinch it right to the last notch. My hips are still noticeably large, but because my waist is small and my curves are kickin' (HA HA HA) it generates an effect that makes me look smaller than I am. I'm not an hourglass, more a pear, but I've always had a waist smaller than it ought to be, given the rest of my proportions. I need to start buying corsets again, as obviously none of my old ones fit anymore. Hee!

End Week Fourteen

Well, I overslept a bit this morning, so I ended up going back to yoghurt and crackers for breakfast; my problem is that I have to leave at least five hours between meals, so the later breakfast is, the more my whole day is thrown out. Never mind; the other half of the omelette in the fridge didn't look terribly healthy, so I tossed it anyway. I think tomorrow I'll give one egg with cinnamon and nutmeg a whirl and see how that comes out. Because I am on holiday from work for three more days, it's all good!

Anyhoo, just a short entry because it's the end of week fourteen, would you believe, and I weighed myself. Official weight of the moment? 65.1kg. Almost halfway there! My next official goal is to get out of the "overweight" category on my Wii, which is about 62kg. And by the time I go to Australia on the fifth of February, I want to be in the fifties. Both of these things look to be eminently doable as long as I stay one hundred percent with no deviations. Which is a bit sad, as I'd have loved to try the Tia Maria cake I'm going to make for the next Chapter I writers group meeting -- Emily, who's made cake the last two meetings, has been watching my baking photo diary on facebook and volunteered my services -- but...I want this more. I was looking at the graph on WiiFit, and just seeing the way it's come down...wow. I mean, I usually take my weight loss from 80kg, as that was what I was at when I officially began, but to be honest my starting weight was closer to 85kg. So...even though I've been a bit bleah about the diet lately, I need to shake off the lethargy and just...accept that the change has happened, and now I get to live with it. And just live. ^__^

Happy New Year

Well, this year has already started out oddly, but I figure I'll just have to let that go. I'm not a New Year person anyway; I spent last night home alone working on a short story before submitting it to an online magazine, and then I watched the last two episodes of True Blood's first season while downing a large pot of Earl Grey, which brought me into 2011. Yes, I am just that cool.

Still, today I got up really early and I made an effort to have something a little different for breakfast. Usually I have plain yoghurt and plain crackers. Yes, boring; it doesn't have to be that way, but I'm not adventurous with my diet meals. Too scared to be, really; I found the formula that worked weeks back and I've stuck to it pretty much since. But my Edmond's cookbook yielded an interesting recipe while I was looking at pastry-making tips: a puffy omelette. I've never liked the idea of omelettes before now, but as this recipe just involved eggs and water and pepper, I thought "What the hell!" and gave it a shot. One of my allowable breakfast options is one egg plus a serve of vegetables, so I decided on cooked mushrooms, tomato for my crackers, and the omelette. So, early this morning, with some trepidation I gave it all a whirl.

Overall? Success! It was deliciously light and fluffy, and tasted absolutely fine. I was a bit nervous about putting a pan in the oven under the grill, but after lusting after a stainless steel pan at Briscoes I discovered I had one in my bedroom closet anyway (a freebie from Stevens I got months ago and never used because...I never cooked, really). So, I will be able to experiment further! I don't think it's something I will do during the week -- hard enough to get out of bed at a decent hour as it is -- but as a weekend thing...I have to work out if I can do it with one egg, because as I used two for this one (as it was a first attempt, I followed the recipe exactly) I ate only half of it. The other half is in the fridge; I will either eat it tomorrow if it looks all right, or I will try to make it with one egg. It may not give enough volume for this result, though. Hmm. But I'd like to try to make it with mushroom inside, or spinach, or just flavour it with nutmeg and cinnamon and cassia. Maybe I could put paprika in with the mushrooms? And parsley. Hmm. Curry? Courgette? Man, there are options, I need to make use of them.

I didn't have the heart to attempt the variation I thought of on a lemon chicken recipe I found the other day, though. I had tuna for lunch -- with a little lemon juice and pepper, as usually I eat it plain; was delicious with the seasoning! -- in preparation, as usually I have chicken for my lunches, but...yeah. It's been an odd day, so I just made my comfort food, which is my taco substitute (basically minced beef seasoned with curry flakes and powder, parsley, chives, cumin and paprika, served on lettuce leaf cups with diced tomato and crackers). It was delicious. Tomorrow shall be the chicken attempt! ...along with an experiment in making shortcrust pastry, for the pecan pie I am planning to make one of these days. When I have someone to serve it to, anyway.

But yes, the baking experiments continue. I decided the other night the next time my niece and nephew stay, there will be BAKED ALASKA. I am insane. The weirder something sounds, the more I want to make it. Which is a huge difference in my attitude, as the frying pan story above? Probably tells you that before, I never cooked a damn thing if I could avoid it. And while I've always liked baking, I hated baking for other people. Always felt my baking was crap and unworthy of them. Now, though...I am baking for the express purpose of giving it to other people. And I am being reasonably successful with it. I will have to post some pictures, but I have some writing I need to attend to tonight, so...well. But yeah.

The confidence is a weird thing. I've noticed that other people have noticed it, too -- or maybe it's more that they are noticing me. Guys talk to me more. Not necessarily in a date-way, they just have an awareness of me as a woman I've never felt before. I get it a lot from older men, considering I work in a pharmacy, but even the young guys have started doing it. And a random girl about my age called across the dispensary to compliment me on my dress yesterday. Not to mention my workmates kept mentioning the size of my waist with the belt I wore with said dress. I also bought over-the-knee socks today, which I have wanted to wear for years with no success. They're a mite too tight around the thighs, but I can still wear them. And I also bought my favourite Mexico 3/4 and zip-off trousers at the 50% off Kathmandu sale today. My original pairs, bought for Mexico in July, were size 18. These are size 10. They don't quite fit, but I can get them on. By the time I go to Australia on holiday in early February, they should fit -- along with the size 10 dress and trousers from Max, and the size 10 Curve Embracer jeans. And maybe my size 12 Lara Croft shorts from Glassons. My mother also decided I was going to buy new togs in Perth or Bunbury, so...yes.

This is good, though -- because it's going to keep me on track. I'm a bit ambivalent about the diet right now, which is partly because of the baking thing, but also because it's been three months and I'm only halfway there. Another three months of this seems way too long. But...how much do I want it? I need to suck it up and just get on with it. It's working, and I am becoming more interested in and aware of food, so...it's definitely something I have needed to do for a long, long time. And tomorrow is a bit of a scary prospect, as it's the first official weigh-in since Christmas. I actually did weigh myself after Christmas, and had crept up to 69.1kg. Scary shit. But I figured it was mostly retained water, and so tomorrow I am hoping to be down to 67kg again. We'll see what happens. Either way, I can't go back to being a fatty. I need to live my life, and this diet certainly seems to be the guiding light for that this year. And anyway, another three months...it's only a quarter of the year. And then, I will have the rest of my life to work out what delicious foods I can make and eat and enjoy without being a fatty all over again.