Sunday, January 16, 2011

End Week Sixteen

...the picture's probably a bit misleading, as I'm not really troubled right now, but it's been an awkward week. I haven't really lost anything, at least not by the scale. Although even then, it's weird, because my Wii claimed I was 63.9 -- same as last week -- whereas my electronic scale said I was 63.8kg. And last week the latter thought I was about 64.5, or something. So, I don't really know? Thing is, though, my body fat percentage was down on 1% from last week and my clothes all feel looser. Certainly my Lara Croft shorts are actually wearable now, and I am also officially into my size 10 jeans. I haven't done any actual proper measurements today, but the fact is that I feel smaller, and I am also wearing thigh-high socks. Which is incredible. So...I can't really feel bothered about it, which is somewhat peculiar as I only have three weeks to lose four kilograms to reach my goal. Huh.

With that said, it's been a tough week -- my period's been all over the show since I started this diet, and I have the distinct impression that it messed me up a lot this week. I think my hormones are what ruined this week for me anyway, as I had a repeat of the shot concentration/weakness of four weeks ago on Thursday and had to leave work for the afternoon as I was fucking everything up. Because of that I had an extra apple on Friday, and I also deviated slightly on Wednesday night anyway as I went out for dinner; it wasn't major as I had a venison salad that had nothing truly verboten in it, it was just more food than usual. So, between those three things, it's not odd that things haven't seemed to shift. Although as I said, one scale said it DID shift, and to be honest the Wii's batteries are nearly dead, so...I don't know? Weird.

I am having a crisis today anyway, though, as I may be going out for lunch...which is a risk. And I baked a cake this morning for my writers meeting tonight, and the last two times I've had cake at these meetings. I want to tonight, but then I don't want to,'s tough. I keep telling myself I am having a break in three weeks, but my mind is so exhausted from the stress of work that it just doesn't accept this as near enough for a "treat." And the promise of the week to come -- eight o'clock starts, six o'clock finishes, a thirteen-hour shift on Thursday and a half-day on Saturday on top of the Monday to Friday 8-6s -- just scrambles my sense good and proper. I'll have to see how I go. It doesn't help that I have stomach pains this morning, too; I don't know if that's the hormones again, or just that I am really over-tired. I'm just trying to keep up my water intake in the meantime, and I'll keep on keeping on.

What doesn't help matters also, I think, is my body image crisis. People have stopped recognising me. No, really; several times at work I've been on the other side of the counter discussing something with a customer and one tech will yell at us "DO YOU NEED A HAND OVER THERE?" and when she looks properly, her eyes widen and she shuts up. She's never said as much, but I gather she thinks I'm another customer. She doesn't recognise me at all when she's not actually looking at me. And at work yesterday one of my workmates was standing right beside me, talking to my other workmate, and then asked where I was. She outright told me she didn't realise it was me, I was so little. So...this should be a good feeling, right?'s actually really weird. As I said in earlier entries people are already telling me to stop, and when I took some random I AM A BAKER pictures while making cheesymite scrolls for my workmates before work yesterday morning, I was actually kind of scared by how I looked in them. Now, I'm technically still overweight. But...I have lost more weight from my upper body than the lower; my thighs and ass are still huge. But my face is changing, and...I don't know. I am prettier, in a way, like this, but I still...

Yeah. I need to think about this more before I really try to express it. In the meantime, I should go back to writing make-believe things. More to come, when I actually work out what my poor tired mind is trying to tell me.

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