Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Romance of the Dancing Girls

So, things go onward -- so far this week I've pretty much stuck to my guns, though yesterday I had extra Diet Coke and chewing gum because I have a massive hole in my stomach. I am really not sure what that is all about, but I am constantly hungry right now. I suspect it may be to do with my period, but with that said and period is really out of whack right now. Probably that's a bit TMI, but I only had it two weeks ago and here it is again. Thank god for Primolut, is all I can say; if it returns in another two weeks time when I am in Australia, I am suppressing the hell out of the damn thing. I mean, it would ruin my holiday, dammit.

But yeah...this post's not really about that, nor even about the fact that I am really happy with my dinners at the moment. I started out on this diet thinking that food was really going to suck, but these days I look forward to teatime because I have several awesome meals I just adore getting to eat. At the moment the top five are my garlic and cracked pepper venison grilled medallions, my chili/garlic/paprika/basalmnic vinegar prawns, my "pizza" with asparagus on the side, my asparagus rolled in schnitzel rolled in garlic and cracked pepper, and my pretend "tacos." These are all things I could happily keep on eating even once I am done here, and I likely will. Just in larger amounts, obviously. But again, that's not the point of the entry -- it's more about romance.

Last night I ducked out about nine to meet a guy in a bar. really unusual for me. I've never dated. I've never even had a proper boyfriend -- I mean, I had one for about a week before I dumped him in a blind panic and didn't speak to him for six months. (And although we've been on vague terms since then, a couple months ago I heard the song I'm Going To Stop Pretending That I Didn't Break Your Heart for the first time and cried for what I did to him. Because honestly, I didn't know, not then...because I didn't think I was worth it.) I think when I was in high school my parents appreciated this, as for some reason my mother was convinced I was going to get pregnant to the first guy who looked at me. I never really had the heart to tell her that guys? Didn't look at me. I was a non-entity in so many respects in high school. Honestly, people generally had no idea who I was. I suppose I was lucky in that I never got beaten up or teased or bullied, but the indifference goes both ways; no-one save my circle of friends gave a damn about me. And so, while my friends dated and loved and lost...I stayed an eternal child. I wasn't worth anything to anybody, not as a romantic being. And after my first run-in with romance at university, I gave up on it. All of it. And though there's been vague forays into sex and romance since, the fact that I realised I was nothing more than a nameless faceless convenient body meant that I had no heart for it. And so, I gave up.

But I've been messing around on an internet dating site for a year or so because my mother insisted I sign up. I'd never had the guts to meet anyone from it before now, because I knew that they'd take one look at me and say OH MY GOD SHE'S FAT and be gone like the wind. These days, that isn't going to happen. But now I have the deep-seated fear of rejection on the sole basis of my personality. And that's...a scary concept, and says a lot about my body image crisis of the moment. I mean, I've been attracted to guys before, obviously -- but only ever those out of my league. People who could do better than me. And putting myself out there...I don't know. The first guy I met, it was before Christmas; he's not spoken to me since, really, though it didn't entirely bother me because I wasn't attracted to him anyway. The guy last night...was a perfectly decent bloke, but I had the feeling I was out of his league. But then I had the depressing thought that that? Is likely the best I can do.

Still, I don't settle. I just deny myself.

So, I don't know. I went to the doctor yesterday to beg for some sleeping tablets as work is so bad for my sleeping habits right now -- I have panic!insomnia, in that I can get to sleep but I wake up in fits of panic several times during the night -- but I also signed up again for some cognitive therapy. It failed last time, but...I need to do something. Because right now I am faltering on this diet path, and it's because even though I want it, I'm scared of what will happen because of it. Which is really no state to be in, if I want to get to the end and really reap the benefits of my hard work.

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