Monday, January 17, 2011

The Big Picture

I'm really struggling so far this week -- and it's Monday night. It can't bode well. I still don't really know how to express what's going around in my head, but I just wanted to try and push some of it out in the hope that something might start to make sense. But I'm not sure.

So, last night I went to my meeting, and in the end I had two pieces of cake. I had another tonight. That's the end of the cake, however -- it is all gone now. In a weird way I ate it because I felt like I was allowed to, as I had made the damn thing with the intention of having a piece. I felt sort of entitled to it? Which is odd, considering I made those trifles with the intention of eating them and only allowed it on Christmas Day. But...yeah. I think I'm exploring boundaries here. Because work really is distressing me to no end, and things aren't going to get better until next week. Maybe. I really am just not coping, although the stupid thing about this? Is that I wasn't hungry, or anything, when I ate the cake. I was absolutely fine after dinner. I just wanted the cake. But what's stranger is now that it's eaten? It's not as if I want to go and eat anything else verboten in the house, and there is stuff here that I'm not allowed to eat. But all I wanted was that cake. So, I ate the cake. And it's done. And I don't actually feel guilty about it, either. Just...a little bit sad, in a weird way. Because I really wanted to take control and get through this horrible week at work while keeping to the diet, but...I couldn't do it. Although now the cake is gone, I know that I can.

...I don't know. It's just really, really strange. I can't even begin to explain it. I think it's a function of being really tired; by the time I get home from work and cook dinner and lunch and then eat, I just have...nothing left to me. I watched a little television tonight, but even then I don't really do well with even that. I guess I just need to have a shower soon and go to sleep; I'm considering getting up early tomorrow so I can make my omelette breakfast. I don't know. It's just...I'm so very tired. And even though I don't actually want to pig out or quit my diet, I just...don't have the energy to do it properly right now. Which is a terrible, terrible waste. I have three weeks and then I'm on holiday. It's just...I don't see how I am going to last that long.

So, yeah. I keep trying to look at the big picture, keep trying to remember why and what I am doing this for. But to be perfectly frank? I scare myself. I looked at a picture of me taken the other day and didn't recognise myself. I feel like I'm too skinny already and I'm still a technical fatty. My lower body actually IS still fat, but my upper half...feels too far gone already. And I just don't know what to do. I think I really need to have a long talk with my consultant at the clinic, but the issue is, of course, that I am at work all the time and I would feel uncomfortable having that sort of conversation on the phone there. Really, I need to go up to Queenstown and talk to her in person -- but of course that's not going to happen. So, I'm sort of going around in circles; part of me wants to say enough -- that's enough, now, but if I don't see this through properly it will all reverse on me anyway. I've come too far to stuff it up. But...yeah. I'm not thinking straight anyway. Trying to see the forest but all the trees are in the way.

...yeah. This didn't help. Back to the drawing board, I suppose?


  1. Hey Clarice - keep on keeping on! Would it work if you cooked up enough food to last yourself over a weekend, and then only had to heat it up and eat it when you got hungry? You know, so you can spend less time in the kitchen or what not?
    I was about to say the tiredness maybe comes from the winter blahs, but what winter blahs?! [bg] Could you send me some sunshine?

  2. Previous word verification was ancyllum. So, is that some sort of magical medicinal ingredient?