Thursday, January 27, 2011
Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want
I'm having a really odd evening of it. Because I was exhausted at work again -- due to both stress and a second period in a month, I think -- I ended up eating a chocolate bar. I then went to an appointment from work and ate dinner on the way, and then came home and ate my apple and crackers. I then ate a handful of marshmallows and four Gingernuts. It's...I don't know. It's crazy. But then the odder thing was that this was about nine o'clock, and I had started watching Sherlock. I was enjoying it, but I flicked the DVD off and went roaming in the front yard. I then ended up collecting my iPod and going for a walk around the block. I live in a rural area, so a walk around the block for me? Takes about an hour. Er.
But yeah, the whole experience was...rather odd. It's not entirely that I thought the walk would help with the empty calories, though certainly it was a way of working through at least some of them. I'm also exhausted, actually, which will help me sleep tonight. But it's more that exercise is a distraction, for me. I don't think a lot when I go walking -- or at least, I think differently when I do. More freeform, more automatic. It's like the difference between technical drawing and Impressionism, I suppose? But I needed the escape, and in some ways I think it came from the appointment.
I went to a beauty therapy place and had my eyelashes tinted, my eyebrows shaped, and my nails manicured. I have never done anything like that before. And doing it...seems to have scared me stupid. Which is patently ridiculous, but the fact is that I ate before I went, and I ate after I went, and...it has to be linked. Honestly, it does. I can't seem to deal with making myself more attractive. I mean, I did it when I was properly overweight, but I think then I knew that I was still considered unattractive and beneath notice no matter what I did. Now...people might actually look twice. And that, apparently, scares me to death.
I really need to work out if I'm supposed to call this therapist, or if she's supposed to call me. The diet's a bit shot all to hell right now, and I haven't even gone on holiday yet. But I suppose if I muddle along mostly within the limits, I can keep to a holding pattern...and then as I work through this, I can get back into really seeing this through. Because right now? To be honest, even if I pushed to the end, I don't think it would succeed. There's something not quite right here, and I really need to work through it before I can say I made it to the end. Hmm.