Rewards

It's been a bit of an odd day -- I didn't have to go to work as I had chosen to stay home for my oral Japanese exam. In theory I could have gone to work and ducked out for a couple of hours, or stayed home until it was over at three and gone in for a couple of hours, but work has stressed me out so much recently that I decided there was no point in doing it half-arsed. So, I stayed home and studied and then I did my test; I then went for a trip to the supermarket where I bought more asparagus -- which I actually intend to eat this time -- and then my mother and I went to see that stupid Eat Pray Love movie.

Two things about this whole scenario were a bit of a test, really. First of all, the exam: generally while I am doing exams, my already terrible eating habits will get invariably worse. Particularly this last year, because even while just studying on the weekends I would buy a bag of barbeque chips and eat the whole damn thing. Also, my Lift Plus consumption was at least a bottle a day. By some reserves of willpower I didn't even know I had I touched neither of these things during my long weekend of cramming, but it was actually worse when I went to the supermarket afterward. I'm of course accustomed to "rewarding" myself with food, though how I ever considered it a reward when I often had chocolate, chips, Lift Plus or whatever every day anyway, I'm not sure. I haven't really thought too much about how I am going to work these things back into my life afterwards, because...I will never avoid them completely. That's just unnecessary. But associating them with "rewards" seems a little dodgy, because the second I am down or depressed or upset I "reward" myself with food because I "deserve" it and want to feel better. But it never ever works. So...yeah. Walked out of that supermarket with nothing I shouldn't have.

The movie kind of sucked too because of the long lingering shots of pasta in Italy, though fortunately I am neither a fan of pasta nor Italy. And she hardly ate any gelato, which is fortunate because during my one weekend in Milan my sister and I lived on gelato. I'd say I'd love to try some of that Napoli pizza, but that would involve going to Naples. Ha ha ha. But even though I've never been a huge fan of popcorn at the movies, for some reason the last couple of times I'd had it (most memorably with my nephew, who divided our box into "his" and "mine" and then when he was sure I understood the concept promptly stuck his hand into MY side...four year olds, sheesh). Usually I'd just eat m&ms or something. Which my mother then bought. Fortunately I never really noticed her eating them, though the damn icecream she ate through the credits was distracting. It was probably worse on the way home, though, because she decided to get McDonald's for herself and my brother. She asked me if I wanted some. "No." "Oh, once won't hurt!"

...yeah. It will. It messes up the biochemistry I've got going for starters, but even then that's not really it. It's more...I have so very little willpower. And even though I sat there with their damned McDonald's in my lap the whole way home I knew I didn't really want to eat it. That's probably never really been the problem. The problem is that I am a lazy cow. I don't like to cook, I don't like to clean, I don't like to take some damned responsibility for what does and doesn't go into my body. So, taking the easy road, even for a detour? Will not be a detour. It'll be a derailment. I'm not strong. I'm not focused. I'm just fucking terrified.

Otherwise, the last few days I've made the discovery that I really don't much care for feta cheese, and that maybe I should have my "pizza" once a week or so. It's basically just tomato and mushroom and green pepper and courgette and garlic all stir-fried together with some Italian herbs and dumped on a Salada before having mozzarella cheese melted all over it. I'm not actually a cheese fan so I can't eat it often -- the cheese being my protein is just too much cheese for me -- but as something different, it was lovely. Definitely will do again. Sometime this week I also want to give the mango smoothie and the ricotta coffee "cheesecake" a go, too, but...I'm not the adventurous sort, food-wise. That's probably the real reason I've managed to stick at this for so long. But...yeah. Into week four, now, and that's so much further than I ever thought I'd come.