Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Second Week Doldrums
Looks like I spoke too soon about the glories of the first week -- this second week, I am struggling like fuck. I can't even quite articulate why. I'm tired, for starters; on the advice of some of the forumites, I'm going to see what we have in the way of B vitamins at work tomorrow and toss them in on top of the multi I've already been taking religiously since the beginning. It's not like it's possible to take too many B vitamins anyway, though naturally if your body doesn't want them it's a waste of money, but...I'm willing to give anything a go right now.
I think this week had been hard because it's Wednesday night, and every day at work so far there's been food scattered around. Monday was a shout, Tuesday was a shout, and today we had some dude from AstraZeneca give us food because that's what drug companies do. They can't give you drugs -- well, not usually -- so they give you food. He didn't even have any pens, so I made him feel bad by declaring I'd use the one I got from the Baxter rep last I saw him. Whoops. But yeah. I don't feel a hunger for these foods, but as I am feeling so tired and down and just so damn scared that despite not deviating I am gaining what little I've lost right back again, I just...want to give up. It's sort of "What's the point, you're a fatty now, you'll be a fatty tomorrow, just accept it and EAT FOOD." And when I came home my mother was snarky about the meat I was carrying in my shopping bags and then...hell, where do I begin? I want to make my dinner because I am hungry, but from one end of the kitchen to the other there's a loaf of bread, half a chicken pie, coconut ice...there was more than that, I'm trying not to think about it. And when I open the cupboards looking for things there's chocolate and chip bags fall out and...it's terrible, in that I almost look forward to my mother leaving for Australia. I am going to miss her and I don't want her to go, but...I can't take much more of this food. At least when it's just me and my brother he can't afford to buy piles of crap, though actually things may get worse as I suspect I'll be expected to buy his groceries as well as my own. And I really don't think my fragile psyche is up to putting that kind of thing in my trolley. I mean, the best feeling I had this evening was going through the checkout with meat, vegetables, and fruit. Oh, and some crackers. Just...yeah.
It's not all bad, despite my wanting to just curl up into a ball and cry. My workmates tend to be very supportive; I was wearing my tunic this morning and they were all "We can see your weightloss already!" And one of the techs is in particular fantastic as she's just come off a harsh regimen for a recent body sculpting competition. She's still eating healthy despite having competed a couple weeks back, and she's a real inspiration. It's just...I don't know. I'm tired. And I really need to go and cook some chicken and weigh some vegetables for lunch tomorrow, as I am stranded at work due to my car having to go back to an auto electrician. Same problem as earlier this year. I'm terrified they still can't fix it. Just...yeah. One more stress I don't need right now.
I did, however, receive in the post a new camera with a timer, so I can start taking pictures of myself. Jesus. I also had confirmation from Blue Banana last night that my new dress is on its way, so...can't give up now. I have to fit that dress in exactly one month's time. I can do it, I know it. I just...have to get out of these doldrums. I'm waiting for my second wind. Surely, it must be turning soon...