Sunday, March 27, 2011

Abide With Me

So, it's another Sunday -- and I am still thoughtful. About my choices, and my life in general. I weighed in this morning at 60.5kg, and that? Is pretty much what I had been aiming for when I was still doing this properly. I wanted to be into the fifties by the end of March, which is on Thursday. So, to that end...I think I will keep to the plan until at least Thursday, if not until the end of Saturday. Which is, after all, just another week...and it gives me a bit more wriggle room when I do stop. Because I am going to stop.

I keep wondering if this is the right decision, but then as I said the other day commitment to anything isn't really my forte. I'm not a reliable person, to be perfectly frank. I overthink everything and then I get scared and can't follow through. It's likely as not my perfectionist streak coming through, because if I can't do something absolutely one hundred percent perfect, I tend to despair and think it's not worth doing at all. That sounds concerning in light of what I am doing now, but I did run across a phrase in my reading yesterday that resonated strongly with the aching strings of my heart: that which yields is not always weak.

I have made a promise to myself, after all. I've lost a lot of weight -- by the end of it, it will be over twenty-five kilograms. And I did it in seven months. That's a lot of work to throw away, so I am not planning to. And my issues with food have always stemmed not only from emotion, but from laziness and ignorance. And perfectionism, too; I hated cooking for other people, mostly because I was terrified that they wouldn't like what I'd made. I'm over that in a baking sense now, for sure; cooking-wise I have a ways to go, but it will come. I'm no longer willing to just eat junk for the sake of "fuelling" my body with crap. I want to experiment, I want to experience. But I want to know that in the end I'm giving my body what it needs to live.

I also keep wondering if it's been a mistake, making the plans to run back to Australia. My mother made the comment on the day I did "Is it TOM?" and I said no, as I'd just had a two-week period from hell ten days before, but it seems to have returned. So, my hormones could be part of this. But then...when I look back on the last four weeks, I can count my good days on one hand. And every day I was exhausted. My mental health is suffering, and being skinny isn't going to solve that. You'd think I would have realised that by now, between the fact I still haven't come to terms with my body image, or by the fact that being skinny still doesn't make me attractive to the opposite sex. I need to find my own way to accept me for who I am, and forcing myself to lose another ten kilograms isn't going to help that.

But the fact remains that I am so much lighter now, both in spirit and in body. And I do think my lightened mood can be explained by the fact that I know there is respite to come. If I wasn't going to Australia again I wouldn't be feeling like this. So, no more guilt, no more doubt. It's not worth it, really. I am doing this to dedicate time to myself and my journey, because it doesn't really end here. I'm just taking another road.

Being calmer also helped me begin to catch up on some of my neglected studies yesterday, too -- and I also went back and reread the short story I forced myself to write through exhaustion and confusion last weekend and found it wasn't as terrible as I remembered. However, before I go back to working on that this rainy Sunday afternoon...I have to do something with everything I've acquired over the last week. I bought I cupcake book, as I mentioned on Monday, and since then? I've bought sugarpaste, gel food colourings, a palette knife, a mini silicone cupcake tray, a large cupcake tray with stand and carrier, cupcake cases of varying variety, and small cutters. And in the post yesterday I got an unexpected gift from my mother -- a silicone bunny mould, a cake tester, cupcake stencils and an apron. AN APRON. I've been thinking of buying one for ages, thinking I could hardly claim the mantle of "domestic goddess" without one, but I never got around to it. Thank God for mummies, yeah?

...and I will be seeing mine again very soon. And iTunes is reading my mind, playing to me as I read this GLaDOS and her eternally chirpy and terrifying advice: but there's no sense crying over every mistake -- you just keep trying until you run out of cake! Oh, dear. There will be cake, and you will be baked. That's just how it goes. But I will say I have managed to stand strong and not acquire any gem irons as of yet, though maybe I'll get some on trademe once I get back from Australia. It could be something to amuse myself with over the Easter holiday; I do know that I am planning on having a roast dinner on that Sunday. I know I can roast chicken well enough, but the only things I've ever roasted in my life? Are chicken and turkey. I should probably branch out and find a small piece of lamb, or pork. I could even make pumpkin pie. And no, this isn't going to be a regular thing. I spent Friday night going through my main cookbooks finding recipes for low-carb meals. I'm learning, and it'll be a steep curve. But I'm just about ready to do it.

I just...need to abide with myself. And learn to love myself, too. <3

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