Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Never Be Afraid Of Change

One of the more amusing threads on the forum I belong to relating to this diet begins with "You know you're on Cohens when..." I'd list some of the ones that made me laugh the hardest, but they would likely as not just make you think I was insane. Instead I'll just go with one of mine -- because I know I'm on Cohens when I go Lara Crofting in the barn looking for gem irons, when I have absolutely no intention of eating anything I bake in them myself. And let it be known, too, that I actually own a Lara Croft costume thanks to this diet (although for those of you in the peanut gallery, no, I didn't feel the urge to dress in costume before I went cat-walking around the shelves twelve feet off the concrete floor...well, not enough to actually put it on, anyway!).

Incidentally, I didn't find the gem irons. I'm not entirely sure they're anything but mythical, although my father is fairly certain they didn't get rid of them while my mother suspects that we did. They belonged to my father's mother and to be honest, I never saw anyone use them -- including her! I don't have any particular urge to buy any myself, as they're useful really only for one thing, but I just really want to make some ginger gems at least once. Huh.

During my explorations I also discovered I own a popcorn machine. Which is hilarious, really, as I don't really like popcorn. Actually, last night I bought using my credit card rewards points yet another appliance -- a George Foreman grill with griddle. My mother has a grill, but while poking on the hotpoints website I saw this other thing and figured "Why not?" I'll need one of my own eventually, and if I have a griddle it saves on having to use both grill and stovetop to make my dinner of steak and mushrooms, so...yeah. I never would have pegged me for becoming obsessed with homeware, let me tell you. I've been to Briscoes twice after work this week already, and am torn about going back tomorrow for a storewide forty percent off sale because oh, yes, I still have my eye on a stand mixer. Er.

Still, what was I buying? Stuff for cupcake experiments, mostly. I've got silicone single cups and a single mini-mould, and I also acquired a silicone pastry brush and a fabric piping set. I'm planning on getting a tray/carrier/stand thing from Spotlight come Saturday, and I've also acquired from a speciality cake shop in the Hawke's Bay a set of colouring gels, a palette knife and a tub of sugarpaste. Seriously, I must be losing the plot here. Actually, my aunt was over this evening while I was out Lara Crofting in the barn talking to my brother, and when I was chatting to my mother on the phone about the failed mission for the gem irons, she came up to see me. She ended up seeing the books I have scattered everywhere -- they're all either Japanese dictionaries/textbooks or recipe books -- and announced that people who are anorexic love baking. She also commented that I was getting skinnier by the day. Oops. I was somewhat taken aback because my aunt's not saying this as a rank amateur; she's a mental health nurse who worked for a considerable length of time with the crisis intervention team (hence why she was talking to my brother tonight). But then again, she doesn't know how forward I am looking to being off this highly restrictive phase of the diet, so...

But yeah, it's all about change, and not being afraid of it, for me. Because I am afraid of change, even though I used to claim I loved that line from a Smashing Pumpkins song: the more you change the less you feel. Because usually if I hated something in my life? I'd change it. Or at least, I'd say I was changing it -- nine times out of ten, I was just running away. This diet,'s more about facing up to my issues with food and dealing with them. I want every meal to count, now. I want it to be good and tasty and special and worth eating and enjoying. No more empty calories, no more eating for the sake of it. That's what I want, and that's why I am obsessed with cookbooks.

Still. Change. I had an orange for dessert instead of an apple today, and that scared me. No, really -- I'm having a similar debate about breakfast, as I decided last night I'd quite like to have blanched asparagus with a poached egg for breakfast one morning, but I am scared it won't be as tasty as my current usual breakfast of a fluffy omelette, mushrooms, and tomato. It's all because I don't get a second chance if I don't like it -- I just have to eat it. And I want to enjoy every meal I have, because I just don't get that much food anymore! Which does continue to exhaust me, I have to say; Lara Crofting through the barn has left me ragged. But I went to bed early last night and woke up at four in the morning, so go figure?

Day Ten - Do you feel like you have given anything up over the course of this process? If yes, what is it, and how do you feel about making the sacrifice? 

I have given up quite a lot of things -- some I have come to understand will be permanent losses, others will be able to be returned if I treat them with respect. Carbohydrates are not my friends, basically, although I refuse to cut them out of my diet entirely. I just have to use them a lot less, although with that said I have discovered that in general? This won't be a hardship.

Some things, as I said, will be gone forever. Lift Plus, for one. Potato chips are another. Both of these are things I do not need and things that are full of empty calories I can't control my intake of. So...gone. How does this make me feel? Sad, in a way -- but then again, I am replacing my blind intake with an educated and curious eye, through my new interest in cooking and baking.'s a huge change for me. But it's an important one, and I'm not afraid of it anymore. I might occasionally doubt my ability to keep to it, but I'll never know until I try. And I am almost ready to do just that. <3

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