Monday, March 21, 2011

The Unbearable Lightness of Being

Ugh, I have a headache tonight, which is a bit unusual for me. I think I need to find some Panadol and then give up on any thought of studying Japanese for the evening. I'm distracted by something else anyway, which I'll explain in a minute, but I suppose I should concentrate on the diet first! I'm feeling quite hungry now, actually, but overall I've actually had a fairly non-hungry day. Which is nice. It's just difficult to stay on track and concentrate on work when you're hungry all the time, so it's all good?

I had an odd experience this morning, mind you. Like most overweight people, particularly those who have lost sudden amounts of weight, I have a very disordered body image. I've found that since starting this diet I stare at people a lot. I try to gauge their weights, or I compare their body shape to how I perceive my own in order to work out how I look to other people. The BMI obsession I've had of late likely doesn't help, as I am still quite gobsmacked at how low I needed to be in mass before I was actually rated "normal," at least in that sense. One of my workmates didn't believe that I'd only become normal the other day, in fact. But yes, I tend to think of myself as "fat" even though nowadays, I'm clearly not. Occasionally I catch a glimpse of myself in a shop window and am struck by how slim I am, but by and large? I still feel large.

So, this morning on my break I needed to go to the supermarket to get Diet Coke for me, and also I needed some chocolates to put in the birthday parcel I then had to send to my mother. As I walked out of the pharmacy the lights were about to change in my favour before I could hit the button, so I basically just raced to the lights and then across the street. And I could not believe how easy it was to go from a casual walk to a sprint across the road. I was so very light. ...this isn't an entirely new sensation, I have to admit -- I picked up on this while re-engaging with Zumba in Australia last month -- but it still surprises me. It's just...I don't always see my weightloss, so it follows that I don't necessarily feel it, either. But I am carrying almost twenty-five kilograms less than six months ago, so I suppose it stands to reason that moving? Would be a damn sight easier now than it was then. Actually, as my current work "uniform" consists of tights, a loose dress with a belt, boots and a long flowing cardigan, I often feel like dancing. Something about what I wear and the way I move now makes me think of French ballet teachers. No, really! It's rather odd. But I do miss my Zumba, actually; I always enjoyed it, but stopped it when I commenced on the diet. I only did it while I was away because I had the energy, but...I do miss it a lot. I'm no good at sports or dancing or anything of the sort, but I do love to move to music.

The other odd experience of today? I was taking in a prescription and a patient says to me: "Oh, what have you done to yourself?!" I figured she was shocked because I wasn't wearing my cardigan, which tends to actually camoflague my size somewhat. I kind of grinned half-heartedly and was gearing up for a defense when she said: "You're beautiful!"

...yeah. Well. Um. I have no words for this one, actually, but suffice it to say I am not the kind of girl who gets told she is beautiful. It just doesn't happen. So this...saying it "made my day" is understating things, really. In fact I don't recall ever having been told I was beautiful ever before.

In other news, my distraction of the evening? Cupcakes! I bought a cupcake recipe book at the Post Office on a whim, and after my workmates and I examined it, we've pronounced it MORE THAN AWESOME. I rather like the idea of making cupcakes, you see, mostly because they're elaborate. The trickier something is, the more entertaining it is as a task rather than a treat, and hilariously? The longer it takes me to make something, the less I want to eat it. Ha. So, in that respect, it's probably a huge surprise that I never attempted cupcakes earlier. So, we'll see. I need to acquire sugarpaste icing and whatnot in order to have some real fun with this. And I also seem to have developed the oddest desire to make Punschkrapfen. It's a crazy rum-soaked Austrian petit-four, basically; I think it appealed to me because it's a) rum b) gluten free (I think, unless cornflour counts?) and c) the glaze is some seriously crazy shit. I think my workmates WILL murder me if I bring this in to them, but then again...I'm likely to get bored over Easter, as I won't be finished the diet and can't eat interesting stuff myself. Hmm.

Speaking of Easter...I am also plotting stuff for that. Simnel cookies, Easter cupcakes...I have an evil desire to make Oreo-stuffed chocolate chip cookies with mini Creme eggs instead of Oreos, actually. But what I really would like to do is make up the dough for hot cross buns on Good Friday and then get up and bake them on Saturday morning before taking them to my workmates, hot and fresh from the oven. Knowing my luck, mind you, I'll probably be working that Saturday anyway. Ha ha ha. Work is still being a real pain in the ass right now, actually, but fortunately this time? It's not interfering with the diet. So far. But then I'm into week four of nine and I'm seeing such good results that I don't even want to contemplate spinning this out any longer,'s all good? And it's also meme!time...

Day Eight - Your workout routine. 

As you can infer from the Zumba comments above, I don't currently have one. This diet is way too low-calorie to sustain any exercise programme; it's working on the principle of pushing the body into ketosis without going overboard, in order to burn fat preferentially over carbohydrate. Exercising would tend to push the body into full fasting mode, where it desperately tries to hold onto fat even though it thinks it is starving. So, exercise? Makes me hungry and tired. Or even more so, depending on the day I'm having! I do occasionally go for long walks, but I can't do Zumba or similar things because I just couldn't handle the jandal. But now that my body is lighter, something like that crazy angel's food cake I just made, I just...want to float away. I want to move. But there's work to be done yet, and so...feet firmly on the ground, head's not in clouds just yet. day. One day soon.

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