Friday, March 18, 2011

Hitting the Wall

Rumour has it, around these parts, that the world's shortly going to end. It's a bit ahead of the 2012 schedule, but then I suppose New Zealand's always been the Land of the Future? And we're supposedly the "youngest" country around, and they do say that only the good die young, so...

Where's the rumour come from? It's the so-called Moon Man predicting another earthquake on the 20th, actually; as a consequence all my workmates left today with salutations along the lines of "If we all die on Sunday, it was great working with you!" and "See y'all on the other side!" It didn't help that I was late getting out of work thanks to it having been The Afternoon From Hell, and when I walked to my car? The side street where I park was deserted. It was also very gloomy, and cold, and the wind was kicking up something terrible. So, it actually felt rather like the end of the world as seen in zombie flicks. Although what was probably more depressing is between the weather and the horrible day at work and the fact today's Friday, is that under more normal circumstances it would be an absolutely brilliant night to have come home and made a huge pot of Japanese curry. I'd have then followed it up with either chocolate pudding or some sort of fruit and shortbread thing. With cream, sure. However, I came home and made my "burgers" instead. Which were fine, of course, but...not quite the same. Oh, well.

So, what does this ramble have to do with anything? Well, today at work turned into a real shitstorm, and as I've said before...when I get stressed, I get hungry. And then I get frustrated with this diet and start seriously contemplating quitting. I've got the Millbrook Mantra now, although that tends to be more useful when I have food in front of me (like when I was transferring leftover gingerbread from one container to another, or trying to find a plate to cut my apple on in a cupboard stuffed full of biscuits). The Millbrook Mantra is a knee-jerk reaction to a sudden temptation, although to be honest I am pretty down with them anyway. I struggle more with the longterm issues, and because of that I've been playing games with myself.

I'm not sure what you'd call this game, actually. Just One More... ...that works? Because that's all it is. Me telling myself that it's just one more [insert goal here]...! Basically what I do is put off making The Plug Pull by reminding myself of some much closer goal. Today it was the fact that with any luck, on Sunday I will get on the scale and find my BMI is under 25 -- it was 25.04 on Thursday morning, so this isn't impossible. And then I will no longer be overweight. I will be in the Normal Range (!). Once I hit that, of course, I will remind myself that it's only two kilograms until I can see the fifties for the first time in fifteen years. And then I will tell myself that there's only one more blood test to go, on the 11th of April, and that I might as well have that. And then it will be something like two weeks until the end of the six weeks and there's no point in stopping, so...yeah. I'll talk myself into it one way or another, most likely.

...thinking of the blood tests, though, I will be so glad to see them over. That's spoken as someone who's not really scared of needles, as such; I have more of a problem with the phlebotomists. The nice one who disapproves of my further weightloss is very good, but I've had a couple dire experiences over the last few months. I have sunken veins, even without the fat padding of before, and it can be hard to get a good vein in my arm. And I cannot stand people digging in my arm with a needle. It makes me want to throw up or faint, which is humiliating in the extreme. So, having the blood tests over...that will be nice. In the meantime, I suppose it's time for the next meme question.

Day Five - Why do you really want to lose this weight? Who are you doing this for?

Actually, one of the most interesting questions I've been asked about this diet and my progress so far on it? Has been the one that goes: "How did you decide to do it?" Or maybe it's more: "How did you know it was time to do it?" Because I'm really not at all sure. I just knew. I mean, it got started very randomly; one of my workmates had been chatting to a customer, and on our afternoon break that day she asked my opinion on the diet the woman had been telling her about. This was because of the fact it's very restrictive and low calorie, as well as incidentally very light on the carbohydrates; my workmate was also struck by the sheer speed of the thing. I dismissed it pretty much out of hand, but the fact that it was run on regular blood tests rather than just the first one made me a bit curious about the so-called science behind the thing. I therefore went and looked it up and found out quite a bit about how it works, and...over the next week or so I became convinced that it was something I could do myself.

It didn't happen right away, of course -- at that stage I was already booked in for a four week holiday to Mexico and New Orleans, and there was no way I was doing anything dramatic before then. To be honest, I didn't even quite believe then that I would go through with it. I mean, in early 2009 I made a 101 in 1001 list, and this is an extract from that list:

28. Lose five kilograms.
29. Lose ten kilograms.
30. Lose fifteen kilograms.
31. Lose twenty kilograms.
32. Lose twenty-five kilograms.
33. Buy a Loli-Goth dress mail-order from Japan to celebrate said weight-loss.

48. Get a piece of exercise equipment and use it regularly.
49. Get to a point where I can righteously tell my Wii balance board to stick its opinion on my weight up its ass.

As you can see, a rather decent chunk of this list? Revolved around weight loss and health improvement. And yet I hadn't done anything about it, really...well, I bought an exercise bike this time last year, but after two months it fell by the wayside. I'm looking forward to using it again, actually; I can't right now because of the energy factor, but I will. Being lighter gives me a strange desire to move, which is why it was so easy to swim and walk and Zumba my way through my Australian holiday. But...yeah. When I wrote this list in January 2009, I really didn't expect to achieve more than ten kilograms at most. I remember writing "twenty-five" and thinking it was a pipe dream. I would have been about 85kg at the time. On Thursday I was 62.5kg. I'm almost there. So...yes. Quite extraordinary, really.

But I still have no idea what made me do it now.

I suppose this is one reason why I struggle to stay on it. In the end I wanted to lose this weight for myself, because I wanted to wear pretty clothes and not feel ashamed of myself and my body whenever I went out in public. And that is definitely happening; I wore a bikini and a wetsuit in front of people in Australia and wasn't self-conscious about either, and tomorrow I want to go and buy myself a short skirt. I mean, I'm not perfect, but I feel so much more comfortable in my own skin. And maybe that's part of thr struggle; though I definitely want a couple more kilograms off my thighs, I don't really want to go much further. And because of the refeed issue of this diet, I feel like I haven't got control over my own body here. I guess I'll just keep playing the game and talk with my consultant closer to the end.

I do worry about the next six weeks, mind you. I was so tired this afternoon -- I had literally no strength. Carrying six bottles of paracetamol was nearly impossible. Not to mention I was so low on energy it took all I had just to work. I couldn't summon the strength to talk properly to my workmates, I just put my head down and went hard. That sucks, particularly as the situation in the dispensary is tense at the best of times anyway. And being fuzzy-headed in my position is downright dangerous. So...I don't know. We'll see how things go, we'll roll the dice a few more times, and hopefully? I'll be the winner at the end of it all.

...if, of course, there's still a game -- and a world! -- to be won on Monday morning...


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