Monday, March 7, 2011
So, I am now into my second week back on track, and...I'm slightly depressed. It's weird, because I have essentially told myself "eight weeks and we're cool," but even having that date set...I still feel a little bit helpless. I'm not sure what it is; I mean, I know from actual experience now that my stubborness is capable of seeing me through this. I'm just so damned tired.
I suppose what I have to consider is this: even once the diet is finished, it's not over. It's not like I'll be going back to what I was, therefore I will still be planning ahead and whatnot. I mean, I'm likely to be planning more as there's all these recipes to try. It's just...I don't know. Work is still stressful, and I am finding that I am pretty much hungry all the damned time now. I can eat lunch and my stomach will rumble ten minutes later. Same with dinner. I mean, it's twenty to eight in the evening now and I won't be eating again until seven tomorrow morning, and my stomach feels painfully empty. I think this is at least partly psychological, but still. I get annoyed because this diet's advertising specifically says that you don't feel hungry all the damn time, yet from the beginning I've struggled with that. It's worse during my period, admittedly; every time I've had extensive problems with concentration and energy, it's been during my period. I have stopped exercising now, at least, and I wonder also if I should get more sleep and see if that actually helps. I am a stress bunny too, of course, and that doesn't help, but...I don't know.
It just kind of sucks, though, in that I have just enough energy to get through the day...and now that I am home, I just want to vegetate in front of some television show. And I need to study. I suppose I could do constructive vegetating and at least watch a television show in Japanese, but...yeah. I'm hoping once my period finishes this hunger will abate again, because if I have to spend the next eight weeks feeling like this, I am going to go insane. Gah.
Probably it doesn't help, that I am fantasising about the Easter Egg I am going to buy myself. I won't be done for Easter, of course, but...I'll save it. Stupid Easter. Lent hasn't even begun yet, dammit! ...because at least when Lent begins, I can take comfort from knowing other people are giving up things they love. I mean, I know other people doing this diet, of course, but...sometimes I still feel really isolated. And I think that's part of the issue here; I'm tired of feeling isolated by the diet. The perceived "freedom" of my time off didn't help, but then again...I remember how stressed and uncomfortable I felt even as I was able to eat other foods. I knew I wasn't done with this. And even though today I came home and found that I am beginning to slide into the trousers and shorts that were way too tight only a week ago, I know I am still fat. I'm overweight. This isn't how it's supposed to end. It's just another ten kilograms, it's just another eight weeks -- and not even that, really.
So, it's time to work through the hunger. Again. And I do know that if it gets to be too much, there's always a cup of tea and a sitdown available. I suppose I am just concerned because I'm supposed to be going to an RP game on Friday night, and even though I can and have spent time in a setting with loads of food around me without eating it, I'm slightly fragile right now. I suppose as long as I have a big pot of Earl Grey I will survive. I mean, despite temptation? I ate neither the king cake nor the gluten-free chocolate cake today, despite the praises of the latter being sung to me all day. I can fucking do this. So...let's do it.