Wednesday, March 16, 2011

To Every Season

It was quite chilly when I went out to go to work this morning, and looking up at the sky I thought to myself: "Oh, so it's autumn, then?" And I was a little bit shocked to realise it. My car lives in the garage these days so I was only out in the driveway to unclog the washer outlets, but I suddenly recalled a picture of me taken in September. I was standing by my car in almost the exact same spot, but I had an AMI snow scraper in my hand and I was moving a lot of unseasonal snow off my car. ...well, I say unseasonal, but it was the end of winter. It's just that I live five kilometres from the sea at sea level. That sort of snow? Doesn't happen. But it did that day, and it was almost a week before I started this diet.

So, here I am, six months later. Not finished, but I have to realise this: I've changed with the seasons. I'm still changing, but that's okay. I mean, today's been a bear of a day; I started out feeling right happy with myself, but work ended up driving me up the wall. About ten we got this massive food delivery from a local bakery courtesy of our absent boss, which is lovely in thought but not so much in practice. So, of course I felt left out because I can't use food to cheer myself up while we struggle through at work. And work really was a struggle today. I started getting cranky because of both this and the food, and then I came to realise...well. Food is not the be all and end all, really. It's Like I said yesterday, it's not as if I don't enjoy what I am allowed to eat. I don't even crave this stuff physically when I am following the plan, it's all in my head.

Besides, even though my boss had thought to order some gluten-free toasties for my workmate, they were filled with onion which she cannot eat, so like me? She couldn't eat any of it. And in the end it's really her and me who cop the most flak from our boss being away. But unlike her, this isn't a permanent thing for me. In seven weeks or so, I will be able to make the decision for myself. So...yeah. I was thinking, actually, of some of the things people say when you're on a diet. "Life's too short to deprive yourself!" they cry. And that's usually the thought that comes to my mind when I want to quit. Life's too short. But then I tend to recall that being overweight and desperately unhappy? Makes life even shorter.

Day Three - A picture of one of your rewards (dress, shoes, etc.). Why is this a reward? At what point will you “earn” this reward?

Hmm, I'm a bit undecided about my current "rewards" right now -- probably because I am so close to the end, and I've had a few rewards already. Mostly jewellery, which I was buying at four-weekly intervals, though I gave up on that after the fourth month. Right now I am contemplating something nice for the end; what really appeals, actually, is the thought of a night at the Millbrook resort with a nice meal and a massage. All for me, alone. It would be quite expensive, though -- about eight hundred dollars at least, not including the petrol to and from Queenstown. But all the same...I'm very tempted to do it. Just me and the spa. But then again, I just found out today that my boss is planning to be away again for about three weeks from the end of April, so I might end up with a bit of extra pocket money. It's a bit of a bastard time for it to be happening, too, actually...which is another realisation.

I came to the conclusion today that stress? Burns up way too much energy. It's totally one of my triggers, because while I was fairly content up until the food arrived, things started to unravel then. And when I got really stressed around four, I was so hungry. It's not even real hunger, either, and I know that. It's just...yeah. Pain in the ass. It's easy to get annoyed about my work situation, because in the end it was really the keystone reason of why I fell off the wagon so early and let it go on so long. Of course I have to take personal and ultimate responsibility for what I do and don't put into my own body, but still. It's frustrating, to be in the third week of nine and already feeling the pinch. Although speaking of that...I'm in those infamous size 10 Kathmandu trousers right this minute. They're not quite right, but I get them on easily and I can also move around in them no problems. I wouldn't wear them in public quite yet -- just a tad too tight -- but it's still all good.

So, things continue to change. My body is definitely one of those changing things. I just need to keep going. I think I'm annoyed anyway because I may have just cracked my sugar thermometer and the coconut ice experiment might have been a wash, is always and only ever food. It's just a thing. It changes, too. And I need to roll with it. And I roll.

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