Thursday, March 17, 2011

The Millbrook Mantra

So, last night turned out to be a bit of a nightmare. I made the gingerbread and the coconut ice, and though I was annoyed about the latter it was passable (and actually, today I was told it was fine despite being super crumbly; the gingerbread on the other hand got rave reviews, but I was expecting that anyway!). But I still wasn't really in the mood to do anything. It's not actually tiredness, it's just a total lack of motivation or interest, yeah? I also made the mistake of obsessing suddenly about my weight yet again, and after my shower I climbed on the scale. I know I shouldn't do this mid-week, particularly not at night; I never like what I see. And last night it was 63.7kg or something, so of course I went into a spiral of "I'M NOT GOING TO LOSE THIS WEIGHT IN SIX AND A HALF WEEKS IT'S NEVER GOING TO END OMFG."

So, I decided to go to bed and just sleep it off. Except...I didn't go to sleep until about one o'clock. And until then I tossed and turned and just couldn't shut off my anxieties. This diet is turning me into a neurotic mess -- and given I was already neurotic before this started, you can imagine? This is bad. At one stage I was half asleep and dreaming that I had a noose around my neck that was slowly strangling me, and...yeah. I eventually went off to sleep and when I woke I promptly climbed on the scales. Thank God -- it was 62.5kg. Lowest yet, and so very close to my normal BMI threshold. Therefore I'm hoping to have kicked myself over that point by my actual weigh-in on Sunday morning. But...yeah. This obsession is getting ridiculous.

I keep wondering if setting a goal/time limit was a good idea. It stresses me, obviously -- I have to feel like I am making progress, and that it's doable. And I doubt that every step of the way. For some reason I am really fighting the diet this time around, and I am not sure why. As I've said before, the food itself isn't actually the problem. I like what I eat. And while I wish for variety or to be able to try out some of these new recipes I find, it's not the end of the world when I can't. And yet, I rebel again and again against the "you have to keep going" thing. I think it's not helped by the fact I am at the stage where people are telling me to stop. I myself know that it's not quite time, but I am definitely in the stage where each kilo dropped is showing in the shape of my body. One of my workmates said my shoulders were really bony today, and this is after she made the comment yesterday that she felt like a "monster" standing next to me. I had a random customer today tell me with something between horror and amazement that I'd lost a lot of weight. And the other day one of the phlebotomists from the blood lab I go to, whom I haven't seen since December, shook her head disapprovingly when I said I still had a few kilos to go. So...from that perspective, it's hard to keep the faith when public opinion swings towards "that's enough, now."

The truth is, though, it's not. But I am scared of not knowing when it is, for all that I am pulling the plug five kilograms above my original end weight. But 54.9kg? Is the middle of the road when it comes to my ideal BMI, so fuck it. I'm just really scared that they won't formulate refeed for me then, and insist I go lower. I don't want to go lower. It's my goddamned body, isn't it? And if I'm in what the WHO says is ideal for me, then why can't I stop? So...I guess we'll see. I can just stop, of course, but without refeed I might not stabilise at that weight very easily. I don't know. Just another neurotic fear there, I suppose. And that segues nicely into today's question for the meme...

Day Four - Your greatest fear regarding your weight loss.

That it's going to be temporary -- that I've spent all this time and angst doing something that will be transitory, something that will flitter away into vague memory in a year's time. I don't want to have suffered this long to lose it all. I'm pretty sure that I am learning things and that I will not go back to how I was, but...I am a backslider in most other respects. I'm also scared of taking it too far, of switching one eating disorder for another. I don't want to regain all the weight I've lost, but I don't want to be someone who weighs after every meal, or who cries after every carbohydrate. I know my eating habits will never be the same again, but I don't want to be one of those horrible people who treats eating like a punishment. I want to enjoy my food. I don't want it to be a trial. I want to be happy and healthy and I'm so scared that it's an impossible dream.

One thing that occured to me earlier, though, is that at least I seem to have happily given up what I think was my greatest downfall -- what I was drinking. And no, I don't mean alcohol. It's more that I drank orange juice and milk (low fat, but still) like they were going out of fashion, and I also had at least one bottle of energy drink a day. I was probably getting the kilojoule content of entire meals that way. I don't think I'll ever do that again. I'm done with that -- water, tea, Diet Coke? I can live with that, most of the time. Certainly while on "break" I steered well clear of milk, juice and Lift Plus, and I think I can credit a good chunk of the weight maintenance to that rather major change in my habits. So, there is hope for me yet.

The other thing I did today? I booked a night at the Millbrook Resort in May, along with a two and a half hour package at the day spa, as well as dinner and breakfast. I'm going to drive up to Queenstown in the morning, do some shopping and wandering, get my massage/facial/pedicure in the afternoon, have dinner, and then read all night. Then I'll get up and have breakfast and wander some more. There will probably be Japanese food in there somewhere, too. This is all after the end of the diet and refeed, when things are truly all finished. But to be sure of the timing...I can't deviate even once. Not that I was planning to, but now I have something else to focus on. Every time I think of how tired I am, or how I'd like to have just one "proper" meal or treat again...I'll just tell myself: "MILLBROOK!" And then, I will focus again. Eyes on the prize, as they say.

So...there it is. The Millbrook Mantra. And remember: velociraptors run at ten metres per second and know no fear.

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