All in all, not a good day.

Basically, I've been holding out for today. After my freakout on Tuesday I sternly told myself that there was to be no more weighing until Sunday, by which point things were more likely to have averaged out and be a more accurate representation of what was going on. So, I did not weigh until this morning. And this morning I got up, weighed, and...nothing. Absolutely nothing. Meaning that after week two, I've gained two hundred grams. And any measurement loss is negliglible, as in about two centimetres and that's probably just because I'm shite at measuring. So...I don't know what to make of this. I really don't. I'm humiliated to admit I was practically in tears last night because there were fish and chips, cakes, pies and bread all over the bench as I tried to make my chicken and salad, and my apple tasted awful, and now...I didn't deviate all week. Despite there being food everywhere for three days out of five, I didn't goddamn deviate. But if this is my reward, it makes me wish I had.

I just haven't got a clue how I am going to get through another week like this. I haven't got willpower. I haven't got stamina. I'm just tired. And sad. So very, very sad.

Temptation

THERE IS SO MUCH CAKE DOWNSTAIRS WHAT THE HELL I DON'T EVEN.

...not that I am eating said cake. I'm in fact hiding in my room. I possibly had a bit more chewing gum than I'm actually allowed, but hell IT'S BETTER THAN CAKE, AMIRITE.

D:

Twist

I thought I better update to say that while things aren't perfect -- although when are they? -- I am in a much better mood today. One of the reasons why is that I did do a little bit of "yoga" on my Wii, and figured out what the categorisation for "overweight" is on their system for me. My first real goal right now is to get out of that damn "obese" region, which means dropping below 75kg. With any luck I will hit that on Sunday, though any continued weightloss is really for the good.

Still, the reason why I was more cheerful is because the trousers I wore today felt ridiculously loose. Like, bordering on the needing new trousers loose. Which has to be a good thing. So...despite my hysterics, it looks like the weight is still dropping the way it should be. I need to relax more, dammit. No more knot-tying.

Second Week Doldrums

Looks like I spoke too soon about the glories of the first week -- this second week, I am struggling like fuck. I can't even quite articulate why. I'm tired, for starters; on the advice of some of the forumites, I'm going to see what we have in the way of B vitamins at work tomorrow and toss them in on top of the multi I've already been taking religiously since the beginning. It's not like it's possible to take too many B vitamins anyway, though naturally if your body doesn't want them it's a waste of money, but...I'm willing to give anything a go right now.

I think this week had been hard because it's Wednesday night, and every day at work so far there's been food scattered around. Monday was a shout, Tuesday was a shout, and today we had some dude from AstraZeneca give us food because that's what drug companies do. They can't give you drugs -- well, not usually -- so they give you food. He didn't even have any pens, so I made him feel bad by declaring I'd use the one I got from the Baxter rep last I saw him. Whoops. But yeah. I don't feel a hunger for these foods, but as I am feeling so tired and down and just so damn scared that despite not deviating I am gaining what little I've lost right back again, I just...want to give up. It's sort of "What's the point, you're a fatty now, you'll be a fatty tomorrow, just accept it and EAT FOOD." And when I came home my mother was snarky about the meat I was carrying in my shopping bags and then...hell, where do I begin? I want to make my dinner because I am hungry, but from one end of the kitchen to the other there's a loaf of bread, half a chicken pie, coconut ice...there was more than that, I'm trying not to think about it. And when I open the cupboards looking for things there's chocolate and chip bags fall out and...it's terrible, in that I almost look forward to my mother leaving for Australia. I am going to miss her and I don't want her to go, but...I can't take much more of this food. At least when it's just me and my brother he can't afford to buy piles of crap, though actually things may get worse as I suspect I'll be expected to buy his groceries as well as my own. And I really don't think my fragile psyche is up to putting that kind of thing in my trolley. I mean, the best feeling I had this evening was going through the checkout with meat, vegetables, and fruit. Oh, and some crackers. Just...yeah.

It's not all bad, despite my wanting to just curl up into a ball and cry. My workmates tend to be very supportive; I was wearing my tunic this morning and they were all "We can see your weightloss already!" And one of the techs is in particular fantastic as she's just come off a harsh regimen for a recent body sculpting competition. She's still eating healthy despite having competed a couple weeks back, and she's a real inspiration. It's just...I don't know. I'm tired. And I really need to go and cook some chicken and weigh some vegetables for lunch tomorrow, as I am stranded at work due to my car having to go back to an auto electrician. Same problem as earlier this year. I'm terrified they still can't fix it. Just...yeah. One more stress I don't need right now.

I did, however, receive in the post a new camera with a timer, so I can start taking pictures of myself. Jesus. I also had confirmation from Blue Banana last night that my new dress is on its way, so...can't give up now. I have to fit that dress in exactly one month's time. I can do it, I know it. I just...have to get out of these doldrums. I'm waiting for my second wind. Surely, it must be turning soon...

The Dangers of Obsession

I think I've just realised why I was planning on weighing weekly at most, monthly if I could stand it -- because this evening I started feeling F-A-T in my jeans, because they didn't feel "loose" like they did yesterday. So in a panic I weighed myself on the Wii board and got a two hundred gram increase. CUE THE FREAKOUT. And it's all a bit...um, yeah. Stop it. Stop it now. I'm in the second week doldrums where it looks like FOREVER until I can go back to a more normal eating regimen, and psyching myself out like this? Is totally indulging in my penchant for self-fulfilling prophecy and self-sabotage.

So? No more weighing, no more measuring until Sunday morning when it's due. Then if there's a problem, then I'll sort it. For now...head down, bum up, and stop jumping at shadows. Christ.

End Week One

So, here is my moment of truth -- I woke up a little late this morning and in the interests of not having to have lunch and dinner late too, I skipped the mozarella experiment and decided to have yoghurt as usual. However, first I needed to talk to my Wii board. Rather hysterically, the first thing it said to me was "Have you been leaning me against the wall? That's not good for my circuitry!" God, even when I'm being good the damn thing beats me to the punch and finds something to whine about, ffs.

At any rate, I got on the board and wanted to close my eyes. But...there it was. 77kg. I lost three kilograms! <is still goggling> I mean, I knew I had lost, because I can feel it. My clothes are shifting in the way they fit me, and despite another bout of dizziness about an hour ago -- unlikely to be food related, as I'd just eaten chicken, vegetables and two kiwifruit -- I am feeling pretty much okay. I also did some measurements, and although they're somewhat off because I did the first lot on Wednesday, they make me happy. The only two that didn't change much are my upper arms (not the end of the world) and my bust (thank Christ). The most impressive was my waist, which went down from 89.5cm to 85cm. I think that says a lot about my water retention when I'm gorging on my beloved carbs, that's for damn sure. Overall, I lost 11.5cm and 3kg. So...well. I certainly can't complain, can I? Not that I want to. Although today there's been a loaf of fresh bread on the sideboard all bloody day and...it looked so tasty, goddammit. Didn't touch it, of course, but...even once I'm on the other side of the programme I can't just hack into things like that willy-nilly. It's a little depressing.

Still, this is how I am, and in the next day or so I'm going to purchase this dress from Blue Banana in the UK. It's going to be size fourteen, and I hover between eighteen and sixteen now. I am hoping to fit into it by the time of our staff do on the sixth of November. Although I know I am going to break the diet somewhat there, I am hoping that I'll do it just by having a chicken salad that I haven't weighed and cooked myself. That's not a complete wagon fall. And if I am sitting there, snug in my new gothic princess dress, I think that should be incentive enough to ignore the wine, the tequila and the chocolate pudding. <3 Thinking ahead, that's me!

I Need Some Sleep

 
I hadn't ever actually intended to make this a daily diary, but I really did feel the need to confide a wee bit in the blog today...and I suppose that's what it's here for. It's just that today I've been feeling a bit down. I've had the impression from the forums that most people in the first week have felt lousy the first three or four days and then they kind of slide into the Zone; I seem to be having something of a backward experience, in that I was largely better during the week than I have been today. Dammit.

I think some of it can be explained by the fact it's a Saturday and I haven't got work to distract me from wanting to eat -- I did do most of my binge eating while reading on the weekends, after all. In fact, I bought a new book this morning and while I was reading this afternoon the need for something to chew on was overwhelming. I should have tried some gum, come to think of it, but in the end I just went back to trying to write (I can't eat when I'm typing!). It's also because I'm in serious denial about how behind I am in Japanese, and am actively avoiding studying. I now have to do all that tomorrow, which means I can't really do any advance cooking for the week like I'd planned. I was just so tired today, although like anything that's just an excuse.

I think I'm both looking forward to and terrified of tomorrow morning. There's the mozarella cracker experiment, for starters, but it's also the first weigh-in I've allowed myself. We're supposed to weigh monthly, but I gather from the board people often weigh themselves when they know they need to. I myself know I'm not a daily weigher, but every week is probably what I need because I seriously need motivation. I haven't lost it, exactly, but I am just tired. And when I am tired, I am grumpy. But I'm so scared of getting on that Wii board tomorrow and having it tell me I've gained -- this is basically what happened every time I tried to do an exercise regimen. I seriously doubt it will happen tomorrow, but if it does...it's going to give my confidence a serious hit.

...so...stayed tuned?

On the positive side, I finally found some courgettes -- yay, a new vege for my stir-fry experiments! -- and I am rediscovering the delights of cooking with fresh herbs. The only other time I've done that is when I did a ten day detox in 2005, which...didn't go fantastically, actually. I think I started it on a Saturday and it basically fell to pieces the following Saturday when I just couldn't bear life without chocolate any longer. I tried to get carob, but all the carob at the supermarket had marshmallow and candy sticks and...you can see where this is going. My experience between that and this, mind you, has been very different. I remember being ravenous the entire time I was on the detox, and cooking took so bloody long. This diet...it's a lot simpler. Just far more restrictive. Yet here I am on Day Seven and I haven't fallen off the wagon yet, despite having been offered all sorts of disallowed foods over that time. I was somewhat concerned this morning in that while walking down the street I was struck with a massive bout of dizziness, but as I'm prone to vertigo anyway it may have nothing to do with the diet. Otherwise...yeah. I also went shopping at the local recently-opened fruit and veg store and finally found some bok choy and got a bag of Braeburn apples for a dollar fifty. I felt like such a little farmgirl. ...which is really for the best, because even after this is done, I'm going to have to keep eating all this fruit. C'est la vie, I guess...!